Where in the hell do I begin? 6 months of a hiatus has left me struggling to decide where to....I apologize profusely and I wish it could be attributed to stories of exotic world travels, meditational retreats to Tibet or a huge financial win fall in the form of the lottery....but alas. And don't go checking your mail box for a check just in case....not yet anyway.
Nothing kept me away except pure laziness, procrastination and utter boob tube time. But let's not get ahead of ourselves. Let's start with how I ended 2012 a little more enlightened than I started in spite of my fat ass staying a little less fat. And how I rang in 2013 ...in holey pj's on my couch as usual...but the first time with my husband...and I actually lasted to 12 o'clock....however, I digress....so let's look at what I did manage to search and the following pertinent things about that were found about myself:
-I am way cooler sometimes than I realize
-I turned 30 and the world didn't implode and I didn't suddenly feel different
-I still have very little friends and I am finally ok with that because the few I have are the real deal and are here to stay....even thousands of miles away...or right around the block
-one of those friends is my mother. yes, I am one of those people. But don't expect matching boob jobs or tattoos....just maybe matching broomsticks
-yes, I do want one more baby and it ain't nobody's business but my own....but I will take your suggestions and opinions into consideration...and then move to the deleted box
-my flirtation with veganism is ongoing, but I am a victim to death by cheese and bread
-marriage is a constant work in progress....but sometimes worth the fighting and shouting..and sex
-being unable to say no to the Man led me to a well deserved promotion
-I still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up....but growing up isn't something I am rushing to do because I am having one hell of a time as a immature adolescent
-everything happens for a reason. NO DOUBT IN THIS.
Ok-so that being said let's start with the fact that I spent the last six months working my keester off at work, off at home and the laundry still gets washed and folded by someone else. What can I say? I am no domestic goddess. But I had the past few months to experience some really awesome stuff....seeing my name in print for the first time...without some sick twisted fantasy to accompany it. And it is refreshing to write about real people. Ones who aren't as screwed up as the ones in my mind.
It was working towards my daughter coming to terms with where she comes from...and still being strong enough to realize that isn't what defines her. Or what makes her who she is. It's letting her know that being different isn't being wrong. And sometimes this is difficult concept for others to understand...and even more difficult for yourself. And just sometimes that's ok too. For the clawing and scratching it took to get her to find her voice....and use it LOUD AND PROUD...without the rage, anguish and shame that accompanied it for so long.
It was 6 months of money and time wasted to realize that my son is perfectly unique and not fitting into the standards they set for him didn't stop him from showing them what he is capable of...and that's being a super caped avenger who LOVES his PB&J....only on white! It's realizing I need to sometimes listen to my heart and not my head...especially when my heart is so much stronger and intuitive than my head and its voices of doubt. It's becoming more in awe of my own capability to love others especially when faced with adversity and the fierce and overpowering urge to beat the shit out of anyone who calls my kid retarded or different...or crazy. And knowing I could and would win over a 300 lb gorilla because of the sheer adrenaline brought on by said love.
It's marking 6 years with someone whose socks I tolerate in bed and shoes I trip over by the front door....it's 6 years of realizing love is appreciating and relishing in what you do have....and not comparing it constantly to what you don't have...or think you don't have. It's appreciating with highest level of appreciation that sneaked nights out with quiet little dives with real napkins and an hour for hair and makeup fall second to Sunday mornings in complete with pancakes, eggs and eight feet in the bed....
It's recognizing the limitations of my time and body, but recognizing the need to feel the best I can...for myself, for my confidence, for my partner and for my children......so I too can live to be 93 and still drive a car.
It's 6 months of another year that flowed into another and it's just that...another year. Just a calendar. It's realizing that this might not be crowned my year or THE year necessarily, but it's my life, THIS life....and I am going make one hell of an attempt to make it worth something....I'm just still stuck on finding out what that worth, what that something is.
I just hope you stay along for the ride, to accompany me on searching for what it is I am looking for....and letting me know if you find it before me. Or at the very least rub it in my face a few times?
(Notice the missing profanity I normally have....trying out avoiding the f word for a while...see how long I last)
Anyway- I end hoping you got as big a laugh as I did about the whole end of the world thing....You'd think if the Mayans had it right they would have seen the whole Columbus thing....or the Twinkie thing. Don't really know which was more scary.