Marriage is like gardening...you can't do it with a fucked up ho

For those of you who care about annoyingly gushy stuff like this, yesterday was my one year anniversary....of marriage bliss to one of the most patient people I have met....which is an oxymoron given that he huffs and puffs just like the bad wolf, but never actually blows the house down in the end....instead he seems to tucker out and sputter like a car running out of steam or fuel....and then he just stews, and brews...and usually allows me to have my way but not in a spoiled principessa kind of way....and he is still there....

and that's what today's rant...musing....wonderfully honey coated syrupy ode is for...my husband, Marcus,  who I do not give nearly nearly nearly enough credit....underestimate, and as some have been so quick to point, may emasculate, with my need to control (which I am constantly working on)...because I never really had one who wanted to stay.....

Which is the whole point of the whole marriage institution thing, right? That we find that one person who can bring enough balance to our life and accept us and everything (or lack thereof) that we offer, and still stay. That is the key. The staying part....the part where they stand and take that vow, those words enter the atmosphere and they don't race to snatch them back....

Granted all you guys who know me, and truly know me, are scratching your heads in confusion because it was I that did the leaving of husband #1.....but that's also the other half of the whole marriage thing as well...that you bloody well acknowledge that there will be times you have to throw in the towel because it's an utter train wreck and that is no way to live....whether he's stooping someone else...or you are....or he beats you, screams at your or you at him...or the kids are the only reason you stay....or you lay at night listening to him breath and realize if you smothered him and buried him behind the barn no one would care....this last thought is a GLOWING FLASHING neon sign you should hightail it out of there....and I did. 

I spent the first few years wondering what I had done wrong....why had I made such a life altering decision, disregarding the magnitude of the situation and what it meant.....promising yourself to someone forever, whether you are the marrying or monogamous type, is a pretty damn serious decision....and for me it wasn't the death til you part sleeping with the same one person forever.....I think most of you have gathered I have serious dad issues which contribute to my life long quest for that one person to fill the void, to make me feel loved and who will "take care of me" -which violently clashes with my whole feminist woman of her own right kinda mentality and taking care of  myself....but I never said I made sense, in fact I am quite complicated which is probably why marriage #1 was doomed from the start....because he was simple-what you see was what you got....a narcissistic, bipolar person who seemed distant and out of touch with reality....or at least this reality and not his reality...

You may ask what the whole thing was to start us off...what attraction? I can honestly say it was that he wasn't a douche bag who beat me, cheated on me or treated me like shit or broke my heart....and that was the only qualifications I had at the time.  Little did I know he would be disqualified for at least half of those by the time I left, and now I wonder how I could have settled for someone who never wanted me in the first place.    I don't regret it because if anything I got the best part of him, the only thing he will ever be able to say is an accomplishment in this lifetime, and that's our daughter...and for that I am eternally grateful.

That being said I spent the last 2 years after I left him racking my brain, by heart, my soul to understand what it was about me that made me bad wife material.  I had progressed from non prom material  in high school to non girlfriend material post high school and now was working on the title of non wife material.....Was I that much an unconventional girl that I was trying so hard to be something I wasn't that it backfired?

And then the my grandmother Rosa died and screwed everything up....all my pontificating, and soul searching went out the window the day I sat on that stool at the airport bar....I have never been a great believer in fate....I think we have to sort of make our own...it's like the whole God and miracles thing....I believe in him/her, but I also know he isn't using us as some pawns, playing with us like the shoe or dog on Park Place in Monopoly, and so its just one of those we have to make things happen and he watches to see what path we take, what we do decide to do....anyway, fate is like that....we have options and when we make them it seals it, and there you go. Your life goes one way when it could have easily gone another...

Were Marcus and I fate? That day I sat down and got tanked before my flight, was I destined to be with that cute button nosed bartender? Who knows. I don't know. But I sure as hell know it took a lot of courage to take his number and even more strength to make it up the escalator to my flight with the 2 Pilsners of Bud Light, and Irish coffee I downed to ease my sorrows associated with dying matriarchs and family you barely know now slipping away with the dirt we heaved into the hole...

Fast forward a month to this trip I took with someone who was a friend and is now just a lingering and nagging loose end I miss even when I don't damnit, who pushed me to call him, to invite him out to SPI and with that push of confidence from someone I owe most of what transpired next to and that phone call, the rest is say...history......what started out as some crazy half ass attempt to be shown a good time, he and I clicked in a way I cannot describe...

In a matter of months we were doing the whole long distance thing...and before I knew it I was hooked.....I treaded carefully and made every attempt to be as calm, cool collected as I can....but I failed utterly and ending up doing just what women like me loathe to do....writing sappy ass love emails, professing our love and intentions....Only this time I took a balls to the wall approach and let him have it....the unadulterated truth, take it or leave it ultimatum....

And I was left to stew for a month and a half....we laugh in hindsight at how scared shitless he was, how immature he was that he left me dangling like a worm....but he came around and before you knew it I was following in the footsteps of many a girlfriend that year, and becoming a member of the just engaged club.  April 26th. That's the date he kneeled, sunburned, tipsy and scared shitless to the point of shaking, and asked me to be something I had spent SOOOOOO long thinking I wasn't....and I paused.

I paused and in that moment I flashed through the whole list of reasons why not....the inevitable fights over stupid shit beyond our control....the possibility of him being one of those douche bags discussed earlier...I thought about the what if's and the what nots....and yes-it seems like it must have been a lengthy pause, but it wasn't that long....

and then it was like I shrugged and there was this a-ha moment...and I thought what if people say yes because they don't know about the what ifs and what nots...What if it's supposed to be about the not knowing part? And what if those fights don't even turn out to be fights? Or what if I am that person that can be a wife?


The loving him back part was a given since I confessed it first, but the rest was something I was willing to take one more stab in the dark at.....I had some experience albeit failed experience under my belt, and I felt I deserved one more shot at a normal life....plus it would be nice to have him full time instead of part time when the weekends allowed our schedules to mingle...so I said yes and the rest ensued...

The cohabitation, first at my parents until we found a place, and then where we seem to have fallen now....then came Max, and finally, as I like to do everything in a backasswards, unconventional way, we were married at this awesome place, Last Concert Cafe, with a small group of family and friends...and I still don't feel like a wife.

I don't feel like one because I don't have to stop and constantly remind myself what I am...I know it....

I have said before I found the piece to my missing puzzle...and I have...I found that one person who makes me realize I don't have to settle for second best...and even if I do, it's because he's what's best for me....I found that one person who handles my craziness even if he doesn't understand it...or fears it....found that one person who wants to stay with me until I am shriveled up and old, until we are tooling around on scooters down the halls of the old folk's home....

I found that one person who has seen me at my worst...with and without makeup....scars and sagging stretch marks, raccoon eyes with mascara dripping down my face.....who have seen me yelling, screaming, clawing.....damn, the man has a scar on his right cheek that is proof positive of the shit he puts up with...and still he stays....

I am not a great writer of poetry or love notes or stories of the Prince Charming.....and so it was obvious that when we did finally tie the knot I need someone who could inspire us to stay...inspire us to commit....who could express what I am too fowl, too vulgar to express.....

and so it was I turned to my stepfather....I couldn't very well ask my real father....what with his feelings toward me and the sage advice he told me the eve of my engagement (a spoiler because I didn't even have a hint about proposal..yet another reason he's an asshole) which serves as the title for this post...seriously...his favorite ism he came up with all on his own....maybe he should stick it on a bumper sticker or shirt or something...at least make a buck or two on his toxicity...

Anyway-so I leave you this day with a few words from John that rang in my ear last night as we lounged on the patio, surrounded by the two people who have supported us the most in our journey together, and Charlotte and Max who were our stowaways on this leg of it, chowing down on year old cake.....

" Marriage is a commitment for life- to the best that two people can find and bring out in each other. It offers opportunities for sharing and growth no other human relationship can equal, a physical and emotional joining that is promised for a lifetime.  Within the circle of its love, marriage encompasses all of life’s most important relationships.  A wife and a husband are each other’s best friend, confidante, lover, teacher, listener & critic.  There may come times when one partner is heartbroken or ailing, and the love of the other may resemble the tender caring of a parent for a child.

Marriage deepens & enriches every facet of life. Happiness is fuller, memories are fresher, commitment is stronger, even anger is felt more strongly, and passes away more quickly. 

Marriage understands and forgives the mistakes life is unable to avoid. It encourages & nurtures new life, new experiences, and new ways of expressing love through the seasons of life.

When two people pledge to love and care for each other in marriage, they create a spirit unique to themselves, which binds them closer than any spoken or written words.  Marriage is a promise, a potential, made in the hearts of two people who love, which takes a lifetime to fulfill. 

Elizabeth, I love you and on this day I wed you.

Not just for who you are

But for who I am when I’m with you

I love you not for what you’ve done with your life

But for what you’re doing with mine.

I love you for making me good, happy and whole.

Because- this is what you do.

Without a word.

Without a gesture.

Without a doubt.

Just by being yourself.

Such a simple thing

But no one else in the world can do it

Only you…forever."

Not bad promises for someone who is willing to stay....right up until the end....and eat year old frozen cake with me until we are old....

Galoshes, sagging nether regions and dealing with the other woman

So Holy Mac and Cheese on this weather! Gotta love living in Texas...where else can you get up one day to drive in gridlock in the sweltering heat of an A/C that's about to go out, and choose to bask in the wind that streams through your sun roof and windows as a you lazily drive through Memorial Park.....and then get up the next to water ankle high, no Mary Poppins umbrella in sight so you are left to battle the now bone chilling cold gush of flooding water sans boots...only to show up at work looking like a wet puppy (and hoping in a few hours that Degree super pit juice doesn't leave you high and dry smelling like one), and realizing you are the only person stupid enough to have blow dried their hair this morning....

No complaints here....I took it as an excuse to slowly take my time getting the kids off to school and to work....I just didn't realized I would be doing it with flat soggy hair and sweaty smelly pits...but its Tuesday and I am not going to let this get me down.....

We are making progress with Max and the whole speech/autistic/my kid is developmentally slow bit....been Albuterol free, so the aggression has subsidized, and he's doing better with the whole speech thing....Rome wasn't built in a day, and the appointment with ECI isn't until April 2nd, so that leaves us in a holding pattern.  I could go back and forth and back and forth, hoping, praying that I could figure out what I did wrong, what it was that I could have done or didn't do....and all I know is he says Charlotte clearly and can ask the produce man for strawberries...so that's progress for one day. and I will take that any day.

In the span of a week I guess I expected a miracle...and those don't happen unless you have faith....and that is something I have been unable to find even just little of lately....and so it is I ended Tuesday with a stressful pacing and tossing turning....which was only broken for a reprieve when my little spit ball of windswept curls we call Madd Maxx decided to be all cool and take a swing at his dad....right in the nuts...

For anyone who fails to see the humor in that...well I guess it's one of those "you-had-to-be-there-moments"...almost 40 year old man, screeching and moaning in a high pitched octave while rolling around in agony on the bed while as horrifying as it is, my son and I high fived and laughed and laughed and laughed.....I mean it's probably the best entertainment i had all week...besides my daughter letting one rip in Target and blaming it on some old lady with a Prada bag behind us....and it came at the expense of my husband...and what a trooper he is....


So I woke up this morning a little more grounded, a little more calm and definitely with better looking hair because this was his morning off and he afforded me that extra hour of sleep and 45 minutes to finish getting ready in peace....even complete with kids pancakes and lunches...

and so it was I managed ot have just enough time to secretly grab that soy latte and head to work.....where the day started out slow and simply picked up speed.....starting with this insane email....

Let's back up a bit because we all know while this was originally intended to be some sounding board as to the writings I so religiously pursuing, it segued into some sort of online diary...what's the term? memoir? biographical?

Whatever the hell it was, I know I probably share waaaaay more than you all care to partake in...some has been odd, simplistic, asinine....hell, I think one we can say was actual sustenance....and it was fleeting and gone, but a wonderful attempt all the same.... so while I 'put it out there', I also hold back my inner inner thoughts, reserve some privacy for certain aspects of my life that are too depressing or complicated to get into gory details, but that are plaguing just the same...and this is one of the few times i will break that informal vow of silence to venture into an area of my life and my husbands I keep private.


And if you think for some reason or are secretly gloating that I am about to reveal we are swingers or I was really born a man...well I hate to disappoint, but we probably have less sex than my cat. With my couch. And he's neutered. And I could only wish that was the excuse for the hair I have to wax off my lip and chin on a routine basis.


No, my husband like so many people nowadays comes with baggage, just like I do....And when I say this I am not referring to children....I am referring to the emotional, physical and pain in my fucking ass baggage that comes in the form of complicated animosity and meddling ex's and inability to function like mature adults when dealing with people who know exactly what buttons to push and when.....I tried to always maintain a neutral front...to reserve judgment even when pushed at or to the brink of combustion....the kind where you literally are chewing you tongue to pieces in order to forgo an argument or fight....

Well, after five years of being laughed at, downed for my age, my appearance, my demeanor, the fact that my husband was an active father to "my" children instead of theirs....well I could go on and on about all the hearsay and all the insults and all the childish petty shit discussed with his children, and the  warped and propaganda filled version of history and truth they received...

I stayed pretty goddamn neutral until the day his ex, the mother and i use the term loosely because I think motherhood is a badge of honor, something you work for, earn, prove yourself daily for...people who use their children to extort money, fear, rage, to hurt and damage other people and the children....well they might not be in the 7th Hell reserved for Hitler, Stalin, Amin, and Kony, pedophiles and child killers...but they're a few steps away...

I stayed neutral until the day she attempted to extort and damage our family...to the tune of $10, 000 and that's when I put my foot down....through a series of articulate, non-cursing, and indifferent words I put her in her place...I told her exactly what I thought, how I felt....Hell, I managed to rattle her cage enough that she dragged her children in it, his and not his...and before you knew it I was watching naive 20 year old warning me "to check myself before I wreck myself"....

As if quotations from albeit funny, but crass humor movies were of sustenance enough to engage in a battle of wits....and so it was the relationship that I made every effort to keep up if even a farce and for the benefit of my husband was stripped of all pretension and seen for what it truly was....a mutual loathing of the roles we had assumed and the balance of power swaying with the evolution of said roles..

Quite frankly, she couldn't handle that I was his wife. And she wasn't.  So that was in December, and you fast forward to today, and here I am receiving an email from that immature 20 year old daughter rehashing drama....drama I find laughable, and that honestly I hadn't thought about in weeks with the bullshit I have on my plate at this moment.

Was this something that had "really been bothering" her for weeks? Was this a machination on her mother's part because she had left us alone for 3 months? Was it because it coincided with our upcoming wedding anniversary and that's when all this shit started to explode?

Who the fuck knows....what I do know with my own trials and tribulations from co-parenting with inadequate parents, and battling my own evil ex, I barely have enough time to battle his...and it made me start wondering about the whole picking the right mate topic...

I mean do we ever really grasp the seriousness, the importance of who we mate with, who we decide to procreate with? They say hind sight is 20/20, and a good 90% of us wouldn't change it because our kids are our lives, our very reason for getting out of bed, and we wouldn't ever trade that for anything...but there is that nagging part of us, the ones who make every effort to facilitate a working relationship for the sake of the children...its hard...its bagging your head against the brick wall, its humiliating Linda Blair moments when your stoic facade begins to crack under the pressure of being the only one who cares, only one who is at least trying to be the adult and you let your ass hang out...

And fortunately for her...and for me, I have matured just enough these past few months, weeks to not let my wall come down...and I had my big girl plus size granny panties on, and my ass was covered...for once...

So the rest of the day seemed to follow suit, endless situations presenting themselves where I had to decide between losing it and my grip or sucking it up and gritting my teeth...and I made it...all the way to 6:46 pm when I finally had enough of hunting and pecking away to realize I couldn't anymore....plus  with the husband's attempt at dinner leaving me nervous because it didn't involve a grill, I rushed home to engage in some much needed family time....sans nut punching, although that would have left me with shits and giggles again...

And so I sit here wondering where I am going with this...and I realize that's not the point I am trying to make....heck, I don't even know the point. All I know is I am love my life, the people in it, and the possibilities I see everyday that comes with my growth, with my reflections, with my far fetched ideas about organic vegetables, spirituality, better parenting...hell, I still hold out hope that some lavender mint sugar and gluten free cookies will be the bomb!

So I leave you with a few thoughts for the evening, to permeate your dreams, to wake you with mental stimulation...

One-check out this awesome co-op here in Houston area....I have landed back on the wagon, and am vowing to make my and my kids life healthier and it starts with the veggies...so I found this wonderful source, Rawfully Organce at rawfullyorganic.com which will cut our grocery bill in half...because if you have a family like mine, your constantly throwing away rotten food for picky eaters....this allows me the ability to surprise my kiddos and chub hub with assorted goodies at the fraction of the price (sounds like an advertisement, but just a cool suggestion)

Two-one of the awesome dudes from my original writer crew writes/creates/produces this bad ass blog....I have it under a link on my page, but I truly think you should follow it...at least give it a gander because he's that friggin gifted...

3-I heard the most heartless and yet hilarious thing the other day....a co-worker's partner rolled down his window and told a homeless man (channeling Obama 08) " No change until YOU change"....and I had the brilliant idea for a bumper sticker...

Fourthly (is that a word even? idk and don't care)-well....it's Lemonade Day time again, and the Shark has set her dreams and hopes high high high....this year she wants to be able to raise $500 for Star of Hope and another $500 for US Vets to help out homeless vets and support programs....I will have a link here soon for her own FB page because lets face it...people's pets have FB pages and they seem to get tons of hits...either way spread the word, send support and suggestions for marketing ideas and such....and if you're in the area on May 6th, stop on by...

For now I am going to lay back and finish up some program known as Monsterman the ball and chain found, cozy up next to my ball beater, and wonder what tomorrow holds for me.....besides one more day to the Hunger Games!! YAY!!!

ok...spastic bed jumping done... sweet dreams....

Seeking desperately for cover from life...and the fecal matter that results..

So it has been quite a long while in between posts and for that I apologize...God knows even I was wondering what the hell would come spewing from me next...I think it's a something of a writer's block...but quite a lot has occurred between posts.....and I am not as quick or young as I used to be to process it...and come back with a snappy response...

Let me start out by saying I think...no, I know I like just about everything about myself...God knows there is room for improvement always, but I took a cue from a really dear friend and embarked on a journey...and not the tree hugger vegan Earth mama journey or the cram myself into PTA shoes journey or the worn out role of recovered addict journey....it was just a journey with me and a mirror so to speak...

And there I found a girl looking back at me who isn't quite as bad as I make myself out to be all these years....as a result of said journey and Snow White evil queen moment, I was able to conquer a few things this week....

First up is I don't just wake up int he morning to come to work and survive...I actually realize I like my drone type position and everything it gives me in the sense of pride and self fulfillment...and unless you are the most laziest mofo on the planet, you know the feeling I am talking about...never mind you loathe your boss or secretly stick push pins in a doll you keep in the left drawer that just happens to have a cut out of his face from the office Christmas party picture missing from the office board above the fax machine.....never mind that you get paid peanuts...and really cannot even afford peanuts, and the elephants at the Big Top who eat them make bucket loads more than you do....never mind you never get the recognition you deserve....Isn't that everyone?  Nothing new or fantastically groundbreaking about this story...just a chick trying her damnedest to understand, to gain some sense in the chaos that is her life...and a big chunk of that is taking pride in what I do...loving what I do...if even for one day...Hell, I would take pride if I worked at McDonald's...I would make the most bad ass burgers you have ever tasted!!!


Furthermore...I  love the type of mother I have become...I love the fact that I would have been the least likely candidate to EVER be a motherly type and kids were the farthest thing on my mind when I escaped high school.    But now...I realize I am a good mother...the type who doesn't have to say it aloud,  but does here because I can accept the fact I am not perfect, I have room for improvement, and being good isn't just what I want to be. I want to be great, I want to be like my mother, and it is through this journey I realize I don't have to be....I am me, and that's all I can be.  It's the tattooed, loudly cursing, frantic cupcake and meatloaf baking, Science project painting, Math crunching and loud boisterous puppy piles on Sundays complete with french toast...with a little sprinkle of humility, fears, and doubts...and yet it works for me.... I have found my parenting style and am perfecting it, fine tuning it, but I love the person I am for my children, the motivation they instill in me to do more, and the fact that their little drooly giggling faces are all I need. Screw what the rest of the world thinks.



3rdly-I had lunch with a dear friend I have made every damned attempt to push away, and in that moment I dumped 6 months worth of shit built up and stewing, and while I had made every vow to hold it in, to be stoic, to not give this person the satisfaction to hear me at my lowest simply because news travels like wildfire and I didn't need the very people who as friends had chosen to abandon me to hear my problems....and laugh....

What does it say about me that I assume the whole world is laughing at me? I mean really....And so it was I bawled in the middle of Lola's about my disheartening failure at motherhood due to Max's diagnosis...or lack thereof with people and experts weighing in on whether he's deaf, mute, dumb, autistic or just slow....All of which makes my heart heavy and which prompts me to lash out in rage at those around me...defensive and wounded....

I bawled my eyes out because my husband and I struggle every day to survive, to make the pieces work...to find a way to give the kids a better life than what they are living, and sadly...all we do is spin our spokes, our wheels in a continuous circle....and we cannot do anything to escape it....our jobs, our lives..

I bawled because my little girl is almost not a little girl anymore....because she is slipping through my fingers, and there is nothing i can do to stop it....because I want time to stand still, and make it stay, if even for a moment, so I can enjoy, experience the time we have now....to hold her as a child before she becomes a woman....hormonal and spiteful, that innocence I cherish is disappearing...

I bawled because I have spent months being exiled and ignored by the very people who are supposed to be my friends...and when they finally reach out to me I play right into their hands...because i stood up for what I believe in because I stood by what I feel.....now I am alone. And the even sadder part. I don't have enough in me to care anymore.


I bawled because I have lost motivation to even put word to paper here, and keep you updated with insightful and witty smart ass musings.....because this ovary is too tired to even ramble anymore...

Instead I sat there admitting to all my inadequacies and failings..to the stagnation of my life...and at that moment I realized I hated myself for contradicting exactly what I swore I would make every effort not to do.

And that's to fail to see exactly how amazing a person I am.  How is it so hard for me to see the positive instead of the negative? God knows it isn't because I want to....because I enjoy the drama or depression that goes with it....It's just easier to see the negative...especially when it seems to all come at once....know that saying, shit rolls down hill? Well today, everyday recently seems to be a friggin avalanche and I cannot seem to shake the feeling it's never going to get better...

But then days like today, where I wake to my pokes in the eye, lazy breakfasts, and puppy piles on the couch I realize it's not that bad...hell, it's the stuff I love...the stuff that makes me realize why I am still alive...

So, I know this post wasn't exactly what anyone was waiting for...hell, it isn't what I was hoping for either...I had waited 10 whole days and this is all I could muster...but it's a start, and tomorrow is another day and all that snazzy jazz of stuff and so it is that am hoping the rest of the week brings wittier, more hilarious anecdotes....something to pull me out of the doldrums...

And so I leave you with these things that this week made me come out of the pool I was drowning in....A) no matter what happens, no matter what people say, my Max is smart...no amount of tests, no amount of arguing over opinions or kicking out of schools I hemorrahge money to pay will change that....he is my Max and I wouldn't have him any other way. B) the Shark and I had a repreive from the testosterone in our house, and had a little girl time....granted it was only mani/pedi session, but something I miss..and for one minute she was that little cute Charlotte, blond hair, and crooked teeth grin...and all was right in the world.... C) I finally got my bad ass new glasses to see into the future better...to see what the world has to offer....and I forgot how friggin cool I looked in a decent pair of horned rims...


And so I leave you with these few wisdoms....life can be shitty, but it can always be shittier....and all I need is a good raincoat...that potty training a boy is way way way harder than it first sounded in the pages of the What to Expect tome I skimmed online....and that no matter what I am a person of worth...

I just will probably be spending the next few years determining what that worth is....and it starts today..

A weeks worth of holy underwear summed up by an all nighter...and not a good one either...

So it was that Monday I had really really hoped this post would have come in the form of some early morning kick ass start to what would have turned out to be a really kick ass day...I mean I held on to that little thing called faith...waiting and waiting...but then I forgot I lived in reality and on a place called Earth and on that alternate plane shit like that doesn't happen for me...

and so it is that it's almost 7 with dinner barely on the table and I knew I needed to get these thoughts started so I can pick and up and finish them later....because my head is about to implode. And then that Monday night cram session of thoughts turned into dozing off with my 2 year old and a full size Tickle Me Elmo Extreme crammed in my lap....and then Tuesday came with heaving sighs and cries because the pile on my desk is becoming towering and I fear it will fall and crush me...and cries because I had dropped off Max not an hour before and then got a call he had a 101.9 fever and had to go home...only to realize I couldn't because I needed to take off Wednesday and make the trek to Navasota to pour out my saga and checkbook yet again to someone else to try and work out issues when the issues are his.  And nothing a stint in jail minus his pipe and bag of dope can't fix. Or better yet if he would disappear.


And so it was I thought quite literally I was in the midst of a nervous breakdown....and I never get nervous..or breakdown...unless its the lack of will I have had every night when I have broken down to eat a sliver of Max's leftover birthday cake which has now dwindled to half a sheet cake....and still moist as hell...

I digress and this is a long awaited much needed update on the little miniature disasters I face on a daily basis....and the first came in the form of a sick and mucous child who at that moment had a mom who was more angry at him being sick because I had ot leave work then the idea of the sickness itself....so I slapped my ass back in check and prioritized and delegated to my husband who I have to quite honestly say is far better a person than he was than when we were dating because the Marcus/Domi-ho of yester year wouldn't have stepped up and gone home from work so I could stay at mine and volunteer to be Mr. Mom for the day.....I mean he has Michael Keaton beat at the coordination of meals...and who needs coupons when you have a Kroger card...

And so it was that Tuesday rolled into evening and I was left with an ulcer and wondering what it was I was doing with my life yet again....the real estate market is booming and with the rates at 2.75 and falling who can deny now is the time to buy? And here I am with orders and contracts out the friggin wahzoo and all I am doing is drowning....and so it that I have to swallow my pride and deal with the fact that my job has expanded so much that it must now be divided between two people...only I still don't want to relinquish control...I want to hold on to the sinking ship and bellow from the mast that I am the captain....only I don't see the cannons aimed at me and BOOOM!! The whole fucking thing explodes in fiery death and sinks to the bottom of the ocean....

Not a great analogy or metaphor or whatever the fuck...but you get the idea. And so it is I left later than my normal lateness with a sinking feeling in my chest and a acidic churning in my gut, and headed home to prepare for what awaited me Wednesday....65 miles away in the office of someone whose job is to mediate in half a day what has been stewing for over 8 years...

Well, Wednesday came bright and early and with $600 and 6 cups of caffeinated coffee later I am a little more hopeful that maybe there is a light at the end of this tunnel for the Shark..even if I am about to jump out of my skin..and that everything in place will give him the chance, the push, the scared straight stuff of t.v. for him to realize the severity and actually make the life altering decisions he needs to...but then again, I vow to not hold my breath and to learn to take things one day at a time.  You cannot get blood from a turnip...or is it rock? hell, you can't teach an old dog new tricks...or any tricks if they are too goddamn stoned to even hear you...and a leopard cannot change its spots....especially when its a wolf disguised in 2 day old slept in clothing and unshaven scruff of a sheep....

Whatever the case may be I know I try for her...and because I have no other choice but to. It's life and a sad fact my immature ass is being ot realize....

So it was we, and we as in not the invisible mouse in my pocket, but the Maxx and husband who were kind enough to accompany me so I wouldn't wreck or drive off the road in rage...or despair, made the trek back just in time to get the toad off the bus...and for me to hit up work for one last round...what a glutton for punishment I am...so much so that I stayed late yet again....

And woke bright and early and with a new resolve to start today out better than the rest...the whole pesky punctuality thing of having to keep up with blogging has become more of a blogging of convenience or when I have something worth writing about...and even then it's becoming more difficult not to sound like a broken record...I mean who doesn't bitch about their job, their ex, their life? It gets old and today I was beginning to realize I too was as tired as the rest of the world was of that damn Top 40 tune that keeps resonating in my ears...

So I changed the damn station today, and rocked my way into a better attitude...which left me thinking about all the things in my life, my inability to delegate, and to let go...and my need ot hang on....
It applies to the past, to the present, to the dying flowers in the vase that have dwindled down to 4 pathetic and dusky roses drooping and staring at me sadly....and to the holier than holier undies that the elastic is shot in my bottom dresser drawer...

I never finished my 21 for you Danielle and for that I am eternally sorry...I got sidetracked with mediation's, crying over impending job loss that never came, a son who now needs extensive speech therapy...after they rule out autism...a husband who I push to the brink of leaving with my antics, my weeping and my general messy life that I thought I left in the past and that is constantly chasing me...as I hide in dark corners and alley ways....and who I never give enough credit for how much he means to me...and he does...lost in dysfunctional dialogues with a girl on the brink of a long long long long road to womanhood....and I emphasize long because I will postpone it as long as I can...I probably need the exercise anyway....my ass is beginning to have problems fitting into said holey underwear nowadays.


I never finished by 21 because I don't know quite what the rest are...they are unwritten because they don't exist yet....I could have easily come up with 21 things I hate...but this is about trying to like myself, the realize what I have to offer and its beginning ot make me think harder than ever...enough to where my head hurts, and the crease in my forehead will make me a prime candidate for Botox soon.... I have come to the realisation that the rest of that list is something reflective of how I am choosing to live my life now...it's a hard fucking walk through the desert alone with no compass, no water. And no foreign guide complete with camel pack mule to carry you through comfortably...and no fabulous outfits like Carrie for some cool SITC 2 montage....

So, what I am trying to say and failing because its late, or feels later because my day started at 7 am with a toddler taking a nose dive into the gravel of the parking lot because he likes looking like I took a meat cleaver to his face and because I am exerting the will power to NOT have another sliver of the shrinking cake.....what I am trying to say is...is that I am searching for what those last few are...and given the week I had I managed to stumble upon a few along the way...


13. I like the mother I am and will be....no one is perfect and I have to stop trying ot be...the few moments i do and let my own "style" take over...I realize why they cry for me when sad, reach for me when suffering, jump for me with joy...and let me tell you June Cleavers something..Sharon Osbourne still had higher ratings as t.v.'s most loved mom...remember that...we freaks make really good mommas too...if not better...

14. I respect my resolve to overcome adversity and the biggest adversary being myself...I try everyday without fail to evolve, to grow, to shed the skin I am in, and become something better...think Heimlich in Bug's Life....I might end up just as fat, and just as strange..but my beautiful wings will appear soon enough....

15. I love that others see things in me that are great...whether its work related, school related...those pesky little kids and husband who lie and tell me my dinner is good even when they have the shits...I love that despite everything else the good stuff still manages to shine through...and that I surround myself with people who truly care about me...even when I work so hard to push them away...

16. I like my ability to see even after the words have left my mouth and my pen the pain and damage they cause, and know I should right them...it's a sign I have a conscience...and that I care...and that I have that capacity to love even if not loved back...and also a sign I let my emotions run with me...and 9 out 10 times I want to take it back..because I never really meant it to begin with....I just wish I could make more people realize this....


I am a work in progress...who isn't? and all I can do is keep trucking along..scratch that...fuck trucking along...I am going to skip and jump and land face first in the gravel parking lot too...but I'm gonna pull a Max and wipe the blood form my nose, yell Ka-Chow! and chase life down...like he attempted to with the cat...bumps and bruises be damned...

All this pontificating is making my head ache and making me realize I just need to live this life to the best I can...and love it for all it has to offer...warts and all...holey underwear and all...skinned shins and all..

And sometimes, those dusky roses are the silver lining...






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