So-obviously if I am blogging today we know I did not win the Mega Millions....no, alas I failed to make that flight to Maryland to purchase my $600 million jackpot ticket ( ok, so there was really 3 different winners so I guess it would only be $213 million but still), although I am certain the fates intended it for me nonetheless....so I must resign to return to my ho-hum life....minus a new flashy car or ginormous maison...at this point I would just settle for a long overdue raise....or a car with a working A/C because mine decided to take a vacation...or something with 4 walls and no pot smoking asshole neighbors dropping beer bottles on our patio...
Mai non! C'est la vie...ou plutôt que c'est ma vie ... semble être la manière cerise sur le gâteau ....merde de qui se passe est une autre façon de le dire ... mon préféré ...
And so it is I decided to throw out said cookies, to wash the crap off my shoes and to get a jump start for my Kickstart...another 21 days of veganism...and this time I am actually welcoming it with open arms because I need need in my aching joints and bones, something amazing to happen to change the monotony of my life right now....I mean isn't that how it happens....We have to make change if we want change.....and not in the vague and anti climatic slogan of Obama....no, real change is made in the trenches by real back breaking sweat salt of the Earth type of people...not by weak ass people who talk out their asses instead of actually backing it up with actions...sitting behind desks snacking on Ding Dongs and Debbie Snack Cakes....or my preference, Hot Tamales and Hershey bars....
I am sure that whole thought right there could have been phrased a little more articulately....but you get the gist of it.....I have decided to take action....to do something about the to do list that seems to be growing and growing and growing.....and most of all I have vowed to do something about my attitude....to not lose such hope in life...and to be patient with things, people...with this goddamn computer that keeps crashing while I write this....Maybe karma telling me I should be doing something more productive with my lunch hour....
Either way....I will be choosing to do something better with myself, as myself for the benefit of others during this 21 days....I did however, choose to take the opportunity Sunday to go out with a bang....ate probably at least 5-7 lbs of crawfish ALONE and that's extra extra spicy...not including my husband's that I polished off.....that should tide me over until I decide to venture back to the dark side again....for now I am munching on my hummus and grilled veggies and thinking about the days ahead...
This week started quietly with a visit from ECI yesterday so I escaped the trappings and confines of my job and headed home for a 1/2 day...granted this was met with grunts and grumbles and whispers, but I didn't give a crap....my head wasn't there and my heart had caught a bus out a long time ago....lately I seem to be so burnout I have this "ehhh..shrug" attitude....you know the one....where tons of hard work goes unnoticed and it isn't that you do it to be a martyr....besides I think there's a weight limit for the wooden cross so crucifixion is out and as we can all tell I definitely have a problem with the whole starvation thing....no, its more a "this is my work ethic"and at some point I hold out hope, some sick twisted psycho thought that it would pay off....and by pay off I meant like some sort of validation....pathetic I know....but a thought nonetheless...
so back to me and the Maxx and two really nice ladies from ECI sitting in my cramped and newly painted living room....for 3.5 hours...3.5 hours....of playing and controlled testing, and lots and lots of meltdowns, and I found out the following:
My kid is NOT the dumbass those people at his school thought....he is NOT autistic...his problem solving and fine motor skills are that of a 3 year old and up...what he lacks is socialization skills of a 2 year old which somehow goes hand in hand with the whole speech thing....and so it is we will now have a behavior therapist coming out to our home 1hr a week to work with him....
So I filled out all this paperwork and we put a plan in place.. and so it was I went to bed with a glimmer of hope and a HUGE HUGE overdue sigh of relief that everything would be ok....backed up by a week of good reports from school and I lay there thinking last night that he, we were going to be alright...that all that guilt, all that shame I felt sitting in that initial meeting with the administration and being talked at instead of to....well, here he had the opportunity to remain at the very school he finally was beginning to adjust to...
Well......that was until I received a call first thing this morning..... from the school assistant director who interrogated me with 20 questions about the appointment....before I had a chance to email her about it....She actually sounded pissy that he wasn't handicapped or mentally delayed and then reiterated to me the need for him to be observed at school....that these specialists, people with ACTUAL DEGREES AND CERTIFICATIONS AND TRAINING in these areas couldn't make a full assessment unless he was seen at school... Mind you this was after I dropped him off to a very surprised teacher who had that deer in the headlights look....but they cashed that tuition check as fast as they could.
It took everything I had not to explode, to cry, to scream, to reach through the motherfucking phone and choke the living shit out of this woman....who mind you spends a inordinate amount of time chain smoking across the street from the school....so I wonder how much directing she actually manages to get done....
So in lieu of physical violence and the risk of damaging office supplies and property, I chose to write her a very informative email....I outlined all the results which I also scanned and attached, as well as the plan the caseworker and I had mapped out for him....and most of all I mentioned the 3 things that bothered me most:
+One-that we were asked to provide a family photo his 1st day of school and it has not been hung in the classroom at all.
+Two-that his name was just last week placed on his cubby and his pocket. And there is still no picture of my child on his pocket.
*please note number 1 & 2 are indications with anyone as paranoid and hypersensitive as me that they had no definitive plans for him to stay since day 1.
Was this an error on someones part that he ended up in possibly another child's slot who was higher up in the enrollment list??? And they are just too chicken shit to say anything???
+Three-that the ECI caseworker let me know 4 other kids who attend that school have SEVERE behavior issues, receive services through ECI there at school and are still allowed to attend.
What now, bitch?
No response as of yet, and so it is I am beginning to feel the acid churn and brew and splash around in my hummus filled tummy, and I begin to wonder if I jumped the gun....I mean here I am being told by a child therapist that giving him the boot will only fuck him up more...and this lady is excitedly window shopping for the perfect boot....
Of course that could be my paranoia..or it could be the fact that I couldn't see her face when I heard her tone....yet another reason I hate talking on the phone...so impersonal...but so is this....it's just less painless....
And so I feel a migraine coming on....and then I count to 10, take a deep breath .....
This too shall pass. Right? Or at the very least it will take longer than a few days in a short holiday week...right??? Come on....I need some assurance here....or at the least a Peptid for the tummy thing....
so I direct my attention to my soon to be Friday off....complete with dyeing eggs, more birthday planning for Shark, designing of a t-shirt for her lemonade stand....and finishing some more painting...
Ugh....just thinking about it seems crazy and hectic.....but then it fills me with this inner calmness and joy because I have shit like that to fill my day rather than sitting around alone..depressed and thinking of suicide...
And that isn't an over exaggeration....I have and do and then slap the snot out of myself because that's selfish when I have two wonderful little people counting on me to keep my shit together....it isn't I think about it to be selfish....it's more a I thought about it because I have a life insurance policy and it would take care of Marcus and the kids for a while....
Isn't it ironic that I could work the next 5 years and never make enough to get ahead, but if I kick the bucket it pays out 15 years worth of salary?
Am I the only one who sees something seriously skewed? Or am I just the only one with a really low paying shitty high stress job....I mean I bet the walls of my flabby heart are having a field day....and coming in 12th place...
And so I prepare to go home....where I will finish up the design for the Shark's stand shirts....I need a catchy slogan so inquiring minds please think and strain like you would for a hemorrhoid and let me know....
The sale of each shirt will feed a homeless family or vet. I also have to finish the posters and send to the printers....at least this is one ginormous thing that makes me feel good....that I have a compassionate enough child that she gives a fuck about others....and recognizes the need to give back...even if its only a little...and even if she still slams her door in my face half the time....
Speaking of which...she just got back her door and has been slam free going on 4.5 days....
So I bid you adieu, bien nuit!
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