and that's what today's rant...musing....wonderfully honey coated syrupy ode is for...my husband, Marcus, who I do not give nearly nearly nearly enough credit....underestimate, and as some have been so quick to point, may emasculate, with my need to control (which I am constantly working on)...because I never really had one who wanted to stay.....
Which is the whole point of the whole marriage institution thing, right? That we find that one person who can bring enough balance to our life and accept us and everything (or lack thereof) that we offer, and still stay. That is the key. The staying part....the part where they stand and take that vow, those words enter the atmosphere and they don't race to snatch them back....
Granted all you guys who know me, and truly know me, are scratching your heads in confusion because it was I that did the leaving of husband #1.....but that's also the other half of the whole marriage thing as well...that you bloody well acknowledge that there will be times you have to throw in the towel because it's an utter train wreck and that is no way to live....whether he's stooping someone else...or you are....or he beats you, screams at your or you at him...or the kids are the only reason you stay....or you lay at night listening to him breath and realize if you smothered him and buried him behind the barn no one would care....this last thought is a GLOWING FLASHING neon sign you should hightail it out of there....and I did.
I spent the first few years wondering what I had done wrong....why had I made such a life altering decision, disregarding the magnitude of the situation and what it meant.....promising yourself to someone forever, whether you are the marrying or monogamous type, is a pretty damn serious decision....and for me it wasn't the death til you part sleeping with the same one person forever.....I think most of you have gathered I have serious dad issues which contribute to my life long quest for that one person to fill the void, to make me feel loved and who will "take care of me" -which violently clashes with my whole feminist woman of her own right kinda mentality and taking care of myself....but I never said I made sense, in fact I am quite complicated which is probably why marriage #1 was doomed from the start....because he was simple-what you see was what you got....a narcissistic, bipolar person who seemed distant and out of touch with reality....or at least this reality and not his reality...
You may ask what the whole thing was to start us off...what attraction? I can honestly say it was that he wasn't a douche bag who beat me, cheated on me or treated me like shit or broke my heart....and that was the only qualifications I had at the time. Little did I know he would be disqualified for at least half of those by the time I left, and now I wonder how I could have settled for someone who never wanted me in the first place. I don't regret it because if anything I got the best part of him, the only thing he will ever be able to say is an accomplishment in this lifetime, and that's our daughter...and for that I am eternally grateful.
That being said I spent the last 2 years after I left him racking my brain, by heart, my soul to understand what it was about me that made me bad wife material. I had progressed from non prom material in high school to non girlfriend material post high school and now was working on the title of non wife material.....Was I that much an unconventional girl that I was trying so hard to be something I wasn't that it backfired?
And then the my grandmother Rosa died and screwed everything up....all my pontificating, and soul searching went out the window the day I sat on that stool at the airport bar....I have never been a great believer in fate....I think we have to sort of make our own...it's like the whole God and miracles thing....I believe in him/her, but I also know he isn't using us as some pawns, playing with us like the shoe or dog on Park Place in Monopoly, and so its just one of those we have to make things happen and he watches to see what path we take, what we do decide to do....anyway, fate is like that....we have options and when we make them it seals it, and there you go. Your life goes one way when it could have easily gone another...
Were Marcus and I fate? That day I sat down and got tanked before my flight, was I destined to be with that cute button nosed bartender? Who knows. I don't know. But I sure as hell know it took a lot of courage to take his number and even more strength to make it up the escalator to my flight with the 2 Pilsners of Bud Light, and Irish coffee I downed to ease my sorrows associated with dying matriarchs and family you barely know now slipping away with the dirt we heaved into the hole...
Fast forward a month to this trip I took with someone who was a friend and is now just a lingering and nagging loose end I miss even when I don't damnit, who pushed me to call him, to invite him out to SPI and with that push of confidence from someone I owe most of what transpired next to and that phone call, the rest is say...history......what started out as some crazy half ass attempt to be shown a good time, he and I clicked in a way I cannot describe...
In a matter of months we were doing the whole long distance thing...and before I knew it I was hooked.....I treaded carefully and made every attempt to be as calm, cool collected as I can....but I failed utterly and ending up doing just what women like me loathe to do....writing sappy ass love emails, professing our love and intentions....Only this time I took a balls to the wall approach and let him have it....the unadulterated truth, take it or leave it ultimatum....
And I was left to stew for a month and a half....we laugh in hindsight at how scared shitless he was, how immature he was that he left me dangling like a worm....but he came around and before you knew it I was following in the footsteps of many a girlfriend that year, and becoming a member of the just engaged club. April 26th. That's the date he kneeled, sunburned, tipsy and scared shitless to the point of shaking, and asked me to be something I had spent SOOOOOO long thinking I wasn't....and I paused.
I paused and in that moment I flashed through the whole list of reasons why not....the inevitable fights over stupid shit beyond our control....the possibility of him being one of those douche bags discussed earlier...I thought about the what if's and the what nots....and yes-it seems like it must have been a lengthy pause, but it wasn't that long....
and then it was like I shrugged and there was this a-ha moment...and I thought what if people say yes because they don't know about the what ifs and what nots...What if it's supposed to be about the not knowing part? And what if those fights don't even turn out to be fights? Or what if I am that person that can be a wife?
The loving him back part was a given since I confessed it first, but the rest was something I was willing to take one more stab in the dark at.....I had some experience albeit failed experience under my belt, and I felt I deserved one more shot at a normal life....plus it would be nice to have him full time instead of part time when the weekends allowed our schedules to mingle...so I said yes and the rest ensued...
The cohabitation, first at my parents until we found a place, and then where we seem to have fallen now....then came Max, and finally, as I like to do everything in a backasswards, unconventional way, we were married at this awesome place, Last Concert Cafe, with a small group of family and friends...and I still don't feel like a wife.
I don't feel like one because I don't have to stop and constantly remind myself what I am...I know it....
I have said before I found the piece to my missing puzzle...and I have...I found that one person who makes me realize I don't have to settle for second best...and even if I do, it's because he's what's best for me....I found that one person who handles my craziness even if he doesn't understand it...or fears it....found that one person who wants to stay with me until I am shriveled up and old, until we are tooling around on scooters down the halls of the old folk's home....
I found that one person who has seen me at my worst...with and without makeup....scars and sagging stretch marks, raccoon eyes with mascara dripping down my face.....who have seen me yelling, screaming, clawing.....damn, the man has a scar on his right cheek that is proof positive of the shit he puts up with...and still he stays....
I am not a great writer of poetry or love notes or stories of the Prince Charming.....and so it was obvious that when we did finally tie the knot I need someone who could inspire us to stay...inspire us to commit....who could express what I am too fowl, too vulgar to express.....
and so it was I turned to my stepfather....I couldn't very well ask my real father....what with his feelings toward me and the sage advice he told me the eve of my engagement (a spoiler because I didn't even have a hint about proposal..yet another reason he's an asshole) which serves as the title for this post...seriously...his favorite ism he came up with all on his own....maybe he should stick it on a bumper sticker or shirt or something...at least make a buck or two on his toxicity...
Anyway-so I leave you this day with a few words from John that rang in my ear last night as we lounged on the patio, surrounded by the two people who have supported us the most in our journey together, and Charlotte and Max who were our stowaways on this leg of it, chowing down on year old cake.....
" Marriage is a commitment for life- to the best that two people can find and bring out in each other. It offers opportunities for sharing and growth no other human relationship can equal, a physical and emotional joining that is promised for a lifetime. Within the circle of its love, marriage encompasses all of life’s most important relationships. A wife and a husband are each other’s best friend, confidante, lover, teacher, listener & critic. There may come times when one partner is heartbroken or ailing, and the love of the other may resemble the tender caring of a parent for a child.
Marriage deepens & enriches every facet of life. Happiness is fuller, memories are fresher, commitment is stronger, even anger is felt more strongly, and passes away more quickly.
Marriage understands and forgives the mistakes life is unable to avoid. It encourages & nurtures new life, new experiences, and new ways of expressing love through the seasons of life.
When two people pledge to love and care for each other in marriage, they create a spirit unique to themselves, which binds them closer than any spoken or written words. Marriage is a promise, a potential, made in the hearts of two people who love, which takes a lifetime to fulfill.
Elizabeth, I love you and on this day I wed you.
Not just for who you are
But for who I am when I’m with you
I love you not for what you’ve done with your life
But for what you’re doing with mine.
I love you for making me good, happy and whole.
Because- this is what you do.
Without a word.
Without a gesture.
Without a doubt.
Just by being yourself.
Such a simple thing
But no one else in the world can do it
Only you…forever."
Not bad promises for someone who is willing to stay....right up until the end....and eat year old frozen cake with me until we are old....
awww, i have a knot in my throat :'(
ReplyDeletei'm sure it doesn't help that the Titanic song is playing in the background.
Congrats to the two of you :D