So it was that Monday I had really really hoped this post would have come in the form of some early morning kick ass start to what would have turned out to be a really kick ass day...I mean I held on to that little thing called faith...waiting and waiting...but then I forgot I lived in reality and on a place called Earth and on that alternate plane shit like that doesn't happen for me...
and so it is that it's almost 7 with dinner barely on the table and I knew I needed to get these thoughts started so I can pick and up and finish them later....because my head is about to implode. And then that Monday night cram session of thoughts turned into dozing off with my 2 year old and a full size Tickle Me Elmo Extreme crammed in my lap....and then Tuesday came with heaving sighs and cries because the pile on my desk is becoming towering and I fear it will fall and crush me...and cries because I had dropped off Max not an hour before and then got a call he had a 101.9 fever and had to go home...only to realize I couldn't because I needed to take off Wednesday and make the trek to Navasota to pour out my saga and checkbook yet again to someone else to try and work out issues when the issues are his. And nothing a stint in jail minus his pipe and bag of dope can't fix. Or better yet if he would disappear.
And so it was I thought quite literally I was in the midst of a nervous breakdown....and I never get nervous..or breakdown...unless its the lack of will I have had every night when I have broken down to eat a sliver of Max's leftover birthday cake which has now dwindled to half a sheet cake....and still moist as hell...
I digress and this is a long awaited much needed update on the little miniature disasters I face on a daily basis....and the first came in the form of a sick and mucous child who at that moment had a mom who was more angry at him being sick because I had ot leave work then the idea of the sickness itself....so I slapped my ass back in check and prioritized and delegated to my husband who I have to quite honestly say is far better a person than he was than when we were dating because the Marcus/Domi-ho of yester year wouldn't have stepped up and gone home from work so I could stay at mine and volunteer to be Mr. Mom for the day.....I mean he has Michael Keaton beat at the coordination of meals...and who needs coupons when you have a Kroger card...
And so it was that Tuesday rolled into evening and I was left with an ulcer and wondering what it was I was doing with my life yet again....the real estate market is booming and with the rates at 2.75 and falling who can deny now is the time to buy? And here I am with orders and contracts out the friggin wahzoo and all I am doing is drowning....and so it that I have to swallow my pride and deal with the fact that my job has expanded so much that it must now be divided between two people...only I still don't want to relinquish control...I want to hold on to the sinking ship and bellow from the mast that I am the captain....only I don't see the cannons aimed at me and BOOOM!! The whole fucking thing explodes in fiery death and sinks to the bottom of the ocean....
Not a great analogy or metaphor or whatever the fuck...but you get the idea. And so it is I left later than my normal lateness with a sinking feeling in my chest and a acidic churning in my gut, and headed home to prepare for what awaited me Wednesday....65 miles away in the office of someone whose job is to mediate in half a day what has been stewing for over 8 years...
Well, Wednesday came bright and early and with $600 and 6 cups of caffeinated coffee later I am a little more hopeful that maybe there is a light at the end of this tunnel for the Shark..even if I am about to jump out of my skin..and that everything in place will give him the chance, the push, the scared straight stuff of t.v. for him to realize the severity and actually make the life altering decisions he needs to...but then again, I vow to not hold my breath and to learn to take things one day at a time. You cannot get blood from a turnip...or is it rock? hell, you can't teach an old dog new tricks...or any tricks if they are too goddamn stoned to even hear you...and a leopard cannot change its spots....especially when its a wolf disguised in 2 day old slept in clothing and unshaven scruff of a sheep....
Whatever the case may be I know I try for her...and because I have no other choice but to. It's life and a sad fact my immature ass is being ot realize....
So it was we, and we as in not the invisible mouse in my pocket, but the Maxx and husband who were kind enough to accompany me so I wouldn't wreck or drive off the road in rage...or despair, made the trek back just in time to get the toad off the bus...and for me to hit up work for one last round...what a glutton for punishment I am...so much so that I stayed late yet again....
And woke bright and early and with a new resolve to start today out better than the rest...the whole pesky punctuality thing of having to keep up with blogging has become more of a blogging of convenience or when I have something worth writing about...and even then it's becoming more difficult not to sound like a broken record...I mean who doesn't bitch about their job, their ex, their life? It gets old and today I was beginning to realize I too was as tired as the rest of the world was of that damn Top 40 tune that keeps resonating in my ears...
So I changed the damn station today, and rocked my way into a better attitude...which left me thinking about all the things in my life, my inability to delegate, and to let go...and my need ot hang on....
It applies to the past, to the present, to the dying flowers in the vase that have dwindled down to 4 pathetic and dusky roses drooping and staring at me sadly....and to the holier than holier undies that the elastic is shot in my bottom dresser drawer...
I never finished my 21 for you Danielle and for that I am eternally sorry...I got sidetracked with mediation's, crying over impending job loss that never came, a son who now needs extensive speech therapy...after they rule out autism...a husband who I push to the brink of leaving with my antics, my weeping and my general messy life that I thought I left in the past and that is constantly chasing me...as I hide in dark corners and alley ways....and who I never give enough credit for how much he means to me...and he does...lost in dysfunctional dialogues with a girl on the brink of a long long long long road to womanhood....and I emphasize long because I will postpone it as long as I can...I probably need the exercise anyway....my ass is beginning to have problems fitting into said holey underwear nowadays.
I never finished by 21 because I don't know quite what the rest are...they are unwritten because they don't exist yet....I could have easily come up with 21 things I hate...but this is about trying to like myself, the realize what I have to offer and its beginning ot make me think harder than ever...enough to where my head hurts, and the crease in my forehead will make me a prime candidate for Botox soon.... I have come to the realisation that the rest of that list is something reflective of how I am choosing to live my life now...it's a hard fucking walk through the desert alone with no compass, no water. And no foreign guide complete with camel pack mule to carry you through comfortably...and no fabulous outfits like Carrie for some cool SITC 2 montage....
So, what I am trying to say and failing because its late, or feels later because my day started at 7 am with a toddler taking a nose dive into the gravel of the parking lot because he likes looking like I took a meat cleaver to his face and because I am exerting the will power to NOT have another sliver of the shrinking cake.....what I am trying to say is...is that I am searching for what those last few are...and given the week I had I managed to stumble upon a few along the way...
13. I like the mother I am and will be....no one is perfect and I have to stop trying ot be...the few moments i do and let my own "style" take over...I realize why they cry for me when sad, reach for me when suffering, jump for me with joy...and let me tell you June Cleavers something..Sharon Osbourne still had higher ratings as t.v.'s most loved mom...remember that...we freaks make really good mommas too...if not better...
14. I respect my resolve to overcome adversity and the biggest adversary being myself...I try everyday without fail to evolve, to grow, to shed the skin I am in, and become something better...think Heimlich in Bug's Life....I might end up just as fat, and just as strange..but my beautiful wings will appear soon enough....
15. I love that others see things in me that are great...whether its work related, school related...those pesky little kids and husband who lie and tell me my dinner is good even when they have the shits...I love that despite everything else the good stuff still manages to shine through...and that I surround myself with people who truly care about me...even when I work so hard to push them away...
16. I like my ability to see even after the words have left my mouth and my pen the pain and damage they cause, and know I should right them...it's a sign I have a conscience...and that I care...and that I have that capacity to love even if not loved back...and also a sign I let my emotions run with me...and 9 out 10 times I want to take it back..because I never really meant it to begin with....I just wish I could make more people realize this....
I am a work in progress...who isn't? and all I can do is keep trucking along..scratch that...fuck trucking along...I am going to skip and jump and land face first in the gravel parking lot too...but I'm gonna pull a Max and wipe the blood form my nose, yell Ka-Chow! and chase life down...like he attempted to with the cat...bumps and bruises be damned...
All this pontificating is making my head ache and making me realize I just need to live this life to the best I can...and love it for all it has to offer...warts and all...holey underwear and all...skinned shins and all..
And sometimes, those dusky roses are the silver lining...
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