So Holy Mac and Cheese on this weather! Gotta love living in Texas...where else can you get up one day to drive in gridlock in the sweltering heat of an A/C that's about to go out, and choose to bask in the wind that streams through your sun roof and windows as a you lazily drive through Memorial Park.....and then get up the next to water ankle high, no Mary Poppins umbrella in sight so you are left to battle the now bone chilling cold gush of flooding water sans boots...only to show up at work looking like a wet puppy (and hoping in a few hours that Degree super pit juice doesn't leave you high and dry smelling like one), and realizing you are the only person stupid enough to have blow dried their hair this morning....
No complaints here....I took it as an excuse to slowly take my time getting the kids off to school and to work....I just didn't realized I would be doing it with flat soggy hair and sweaty smelly pits...but its Tuesday and I am not going to let this get me down.....
We are making progress with Max and the whole speech/autistic/my kid is developmentally slow bit....been Albuterol free, so the aggression has subsidized, and he's doing better with the whole speech thing....Rome wasn't built in a day, and the appointment with ECI isn't until April 2nd, so that leaves us in a holding pattern. I could go back and forth and back and forth, hoping, praying that I could figure out what I did wrong, what it was that I could have done or didn't do....and all I know is he says Charlotte clearly and can ask the produce man for strawberries...so that's progress for one day. and I will take that any day.
In the span of a week I guess I expected a miracle...and those don't happen unless you have faith....and that is something I have been unable to find even just little of lately....and so it is I ended Tuesday with a stressful pacing and tossing turning....which was only broken for a reprieve when my little spit ball of windswept curls we call Madd Maxx decided to be all cool and take a swing at his dad....right in the nuts...
For anyone who fails to see the humor in that...well I guess it's one of those "you-had-to-be-there-moments"...almost 40 year old man, screeching and moaning in a high pitched octave while rolling around in agony on the bed while as horrifying as it is, my son and I high fived and laughed and laughed and laughed.....I mean it's probably the best entertainment i had all week...besides my daughter letting one rip in Target and blaming it on some old lady with a Prada bag behind us....and it came at the expense of my husband...and what a trooper he is....
So I woke up this morning a little more grounded, a little more calm and definitely with better looking hair because this was his morning off and he afforded me that extra hour of sleep and 45 minutes to finish getting ready in peace....even complete with kids pancakes and lunches...
and so it was I managed ot have just enough time to secretly grab that soy latte and head to work.....where the day started out slow and simply picked up speed.....starting with this insane email....
Let's back up a bit because we all know while this was originally intended to be some sounding board as to the writings I so religiously pursuing, it segued into some sort of online diary...what's the term? memoir? biographical?
Whatever the hell it was, I know I probably share waaaaay more than you all care to partake in...some has been odd, simplistic, asinine....hell, I think one we can say was actual sustenance....and it was fleeting and gone, but a wonderful attempt all the same.... so while I 'put it out there', I also hold back my inner inner thoughts, reserve some privacy for certain aspects of my life that are too depressing or complicated to get into gory details, but that are plaguing just the same...and this is one of the few times i will break that informal vow of silence to venture into an area of my life and my husbands I keep private.
And if you think for some reason or are secretly gloating that I am about to reveal we are swingers or I was really born a man...well I hate to disappoint, but we probably have less sex than my cat. With my couch. And he's neutered. And I could only wish that was the excuse for the hair I have to wax off my lip and chin on a routine basis.
No, my husband like so many people nowadays comes with baggage, just like I do....And when I say this I am not referring to children....I am referring to the emotional, physical and pain in my fucking ass baggage that comes in the form of complicated animosity and meddling ex's and inability to function like mature adults when dealing with people who know exactly what buttons to push and when.....I tried to always maintain a neutral front...to reserve judgment even when pushed at or to the brink of combustion....the kind where you literally are chewing you tongue to pieces in order to forgo an argument or fight....
Well, after five years of being laughed at, downed for my age, my appearance, my demeanor, the fact that my husband was an active father to "my" children instead of theirs....well I could go on and on about all the hearsay and all the insults and all the childish petty shit discussed with his children, and the warped and propaganda filled version of history and truth they received...
I stayed pretty goddamn neutral until the day his ex, the mother and i use the term loosely because I think motherhood is a badge of honor, something you work for, earn, prove yourself daily for...people who use their children to extort money, fear, rage, to hurt and damage other people and the children....well they might not be in the 7th Hell reserved for Hitler, Stalin, Amin, and Kony, pedophiles and child killers...but they're a few steps away...
I stayed neutral until the day she attempted to extort and damage our family...to the tune of $10, 000 and that's when I put my foot down....through a series of articulate, non-cursing, and indifferent words I put her in her place...I told her exactly what I thought, how I felt....Hell, I managed to rattle her cage enough that she dragged her children in it, his and not his...and before you knew it I was watching naive 20 year old warning me "to check myself before I wreck myself"....
As if quotations from albeit funny, but crass humor movies were of sustenance enough to engage in a battle of wits....and so it was the relationship that I made every effort to keep up if even a farce and for the benefit of my husband was stripped of all pretension and seen for what it truly was....a mutual loathing of the roles we had assumed and the balance of power swaying with the evolution of said roles..
Quite frankly, she couldn't handle that I was his wife. And she wasn't. So that was in December, and you fast forward to today, and here I am receiving an email from that immature 20 year old daughter rehashing drama....drama I find laughable, and that honestly I hadn't thought about in weeks with the bullshit I have on my plate at this moment.
Was this something that had "really been bothering" her for weeks? Was this a machination on her mother's part because she had left us alone for 3 months? Was it because it coincided with our upcoming wedding anniversary and that's when all this shit started to explode?
Who the fuck knows....what I do know with my own trials and tribulations from co-parenting with inadequate parents, and battling my own evil ex, I barely have enough time to battle his...and it made me start wondering about the whole picking the right mate topic...
I mean do we ever really grasp the seriousness, the importance of who we mate with, who we decide to procreate with? They say hind sight is 20/20, and a good 90% of us wouldn't change it because our kids are our lives, our very reason for getting out of bed, and we wouldn't ever trade that for anything...but there is that nagging part of us, the ones who make every effort to facilitate a working relationship for the sake of the children...its hard...its bagging your head against the brick wall, its humiliating Linda Blair moments when your stoic facade begins to crack under the pressure of being the only one who cares, only one who is at least trying to be the adult and you let your ass hang out...
And fortunately for her...and for me, I have matured just enough these past few months, weeks to not let my wall come down...and I had my big girl plus size granny panties on, and my ass was covered...for once...
So the rest of the day seemed to follow suit, endless situations presenting themselves where I had to decide between losing it and my grip or sucking it up and gritting my teeth...and I made it...all the way to 6:46 pm when I finally had enough of hunting and pecking away to realize I couldn't anymore....plus with the husband's attempt at dinner leaving me nervous because it didn't involve a grill, I rushed home to engage in some much needed family time....sans nut punching, although that would have left me with shits and giggles again...
And so I sit here wondering where I am going with this...and I realize that's not the point I am trying to make....heck, I don't even know the point. All I know is I am love my life, the people in it, and the possibilities I see everyday that comes with my growth, with my reflections, with my far fetched ideas about organic vegetables, spirituality, better parenting...hell, I still hold out hope that some lavender mint sugar and gluten free cookies will be the bomb!
So I leave you with a few thoughts for the evening, to permeate your dreams, to wake you with mental stimulation...
One-check out this awesome co-op here in Houston area....I have landed back on the wagon, and am vowing to make my and my kids life healthier and it starts with the veggies...so I found this wonderful source, Rawfully Organce at rawfullyorganic.com which will cut our grocery bill in half...because if you have a family like mine, your constantly throwing away rotten food for picky eaters....this allows me the ability to surprise my kiddos and chub hub with assorted goodies at the fraction of the price (sounds like an advertisement, but just a cool suggestion)
Two-one of the awesome dudes from my original writer crew writes/creates/produces this bad ass blog....I have it under a link on my page, but I truly think you should follow it...at least give it a gander because he's that friggin gifted...
3-I heard the most heartless and yet hilarious thing the other day....a co-worker's partner rolled down his window and told a homeless man (channeling Obama 08) " No change until YOU change"....and I had the brilliant idea for a bumper sticker...
Fourthly (is that a word even? idk and don't care)-well....it's Lemonade Day time again, and the Shark has set her dreams and hopes high high high....this year she wants to be able to raise $500 for Star of Hope and another $500 for US Vets to help out homeless vets and support programs....I will have a link here soon for her own FB page because lets face it...people's pets have FB pages and they seem to get tons of hits...either way spread the word, send support and suggestions for marketing ideas and such....and if you're in the area on May 6th, stop on by...
For now I am going to lay back and finish up some program known as Monsterman the ball and chain found, cozy up next to my ball beater, and wonder what tomorrow holds for me.....besides one more day to the Hunger Games!! YAY!!!
ok...spastic bed jumping done... sweet dreams....
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