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Sunday, March 18, 2012

Seeking desperately for cover from life...and the fecal matter that results..

So it has been quite a long while in between posts and for that I apologize...God knows even I was wondering what the hell would come spewing from me next...I think it's a something of a writer's block...but quite a lot has occurred between posts.....and I am not as quick or young as I used to be to process it...and come back with a snappy response...

Let me start out by saying I think...no, I know I like just about everything about myself...God knows there is room for improvement always, but I took a cue from a really dear friend and embarked on a journey...and not the tree hugger vegan Earth mama journey or the cram myself into PTA shoes journey or the worn out role of recovered addict journey....it was just a journey with me and a mirror so to speak...

And there I found a girl looking back at me who isn't quite as bad as I make myself out to be all these years....as a result of said journey and Snow White evil queen moment, I was able to conquer a few things this week....

First up is I don't just wake up int he morning to come to work and survive...I actually realize I like my drone type position and everything it gives me in the sense of pride and self fulfillment...and unless you are the most laziest mofo on the planet, you know the feeling I am talking about...never mind you loathe your boss or secretly stick push pins in a doll you keep in the left drawer that just happens to have a cut out of his face from the office Christmas party picture missing from the office board above the fax machine.....never mind that you get paid peanuts...and really cannot even afford peanuts, and the elephants at the Big Top who eat them make bucket loads more than you do....never mind you never get the recognition you deserve....Isn't that everyone?  Nothing new or fantastically groundbreaking about this story...just a chick trying her damnedest to understand, to gain some sense in the chaos that is her life...and a big chunk of that is taking pride in what I do...loving what I do...if even for one day...Hell, I would take pride if I worked at McDonald's...I would make the most bad ass burgers you have ever tasted!!!


Furthermore...I  love the type of mother I have become...I love the fact that I would have been the least likely candidate to EVER be a motherly type and kids were the farthest thing on my mind when I escaped high school.    But now...I realize I am a good mother...the type who doesn't have to say it aloud,  but does here because I can accept the fact I am not perfect, I have room for improvement, and being good isn't just what I want to be. I want to be great, I want to be like my mother, and it is through this journey I realize I don't have to be....I am me, and that's all I can be.  It's the tattooed, loudly cursing, frantic cupcake and meatloaf baking, Science project painting, Math crunching and loud boisterous puppy piles on Sundays complete with french toast...with a little sprinkle of humility, fears, and doubts...and yet it works for me.... I have found my parenting style and am perfecting it, fine tuning it, but I love the person I am for my children, the motivation they instill in me to do more, and the fact that their little drooly giggling faces are all I need. Screw what the rest of the world thinks.



3rdly-I had lunch with a dear friend I have made every damned attempt to push away, and in that moment I dumped 6 months worth of shit built up and stewing, and while I had made every vow to hold it in, to be stoic, to not give this person the satisfaction to hear me at my lowest simply because news travels like wildfire and I didn't need the very people who as friends had chosen to abandon me to hear my problems....and laugh....

What does it say about me that I assume the whole world is laughing at me? I mean really....And so it was I bawled in the middle of Lola's about my disheartening failure at motherhood due to Max's diagnosis...or lack thereof with people and experts weighing in on whether he's deaf, mute, dumb, autistic or just slow....All of which makes my heart heavy and which prompts me to lash out in rage at those around me...defensive and wounded....

I bawled my eyes out because my husband and I struggle every day to survive, to make the pieces work...to find a way to give the kids a better life than what they are living, and sadly...all we do is spin our spokes, our wheels in a continuous circle....and we cannot do anything to escape it....our jobs, our lives..

I bawled because my little girl is almost not a little girl anymore....because she is slipping through my fingers, and there is nothing i can do to stop it....because I want time to stand still, and make it stay, if even for a moment, so I can enjoy, experience the time we have now....to hold her as a child before she becomes a woman....hormonal and spiteful, that innocence I cherish is disappearing...

I bawled because I have spent months being exiled and ignored by the very people who are supposed to be my friends...and when they finally reach out to me I play right into their hands...because i stood up for what I believe in because I stood by what I feel.....now I am alone. And the even sadder part. I don't have enough in me to care anymore.


I bawled because I have lost motivation to even put word to paper here, and keep you updated with insightful and witty smart ass musings.....because this ovary is too tired to even ramble anymore...

Instead I sat there admitting to all my inadequacies and failings..to the stagnation of my life...and at that moment I realized I hated myself for contradicting exactly what I swore I would make every effort not to do.

And that's to fail to see exactly how amazing a person I am.  How is it so hard for me to see the positive instead of the negative? God knows it isn't because I want to....because I enjoy the drama or depression that goes with it....It's just easier to see the negative...especially when it seems to all come at once....know that saying, shit rolls down hill? Well today, everyday recently seems to be a friggin avalanche and I cannot seem to shake the feeling it's never going to get better...

But then days like today, where I wake to my pokes in the eye, lazy breakfasts, and puppy piles on the couch I realize it's not that bad...hell, it's the stuff I love...the stuff that makes me realize why I am still alive...

So, I know this post wasn't exactly what anyone was waiting for...hell, it isn't what I was hoping for either...I had waited 10 whole days and this is all I could muster...but it's a start, and tomorrow is another day and all that snazzy jazz of stuff and so it is that am hoping the rest of the week brings wittier, more hilarious anecdotes....something to pull me out of the doldrums...

And so I leave you with these things that this week made me come out of the pool I was drowning in....A) no matter what happens, no matter what people say, my Max is smart...no amount of tests, no amount of arguing over opinions or kicking out of schools I hemorrahge money to pay will change that....he is my Max and I wouldn't have him any other way. B) the Shark and I had a repreive from the testosterone in our house, and had a little girl time....granted it was only mani/pedi session, but something I miss..and for one minute she was that little cute Charlotte, blond hair, and crooked teeth grin...and all was right in the world.... C) I finally got my bad ass new glasses to see into the future better...to see what the world has to offer....and I forgot how friggin cool I looked in a decent pair of horned rims...


And so I leave you with these few wisdoms....life can be shitty, but it can always be shittier....and all I need is a good raincoat...that potty training a boy is way way way harder than it first sounded in the pages of the What to Expect tome I skimmed online....and that no matter what I am a person of worth...

I just will probably be spending the next few years determining what that worth is....and it starts today..


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