Knowing it's 5 o'clock....somewhere...

Lets start out by letting out a HUGE whoop! TGIF!!! (for those of us still at work inevitably this whoop must be done silently in our heads)

Kudos to anyone who has managed to last the week...Like I said yesterday, I have resolved myself to taking each day one at a time like a drunk, and so I guess I should start out by saying.....

Hello, My name is Elizabeth, and I'm a recovering mother, recovering from the stress of melted crayons in the backseat, recovering from the 2 am nights working on Science dioramas, recovering from the he-said-she-said of the hollers from the backseat and my inability to reach at least one with my Tyrannosaurus arms (which as luck would have it both my kids inherited).  Recovering from the "baby weight" when my daughter's almost 9, recovering from the scheduling conflicts that somehow don't make it onto my anal-retentive dry erase calendar...I am recovering and surviving from the trials and tribulations of motherhood, adulthood, sisterhood..hell, life, and today I am here to tell you it can be done....

One of the things I keep harping on in the new year (of the total 3 consecutive days I have blogged) is that if I can change myself which is the most difficult challenge I have taken on in my life beside motherhood, I can do just about anything I put my mind to....Now mind you, this could very well be a heightened sense of self confidence brought on by the fact that I have made it Day 19 in my flirtation with the vegan lifestyle, and I feel like I am Lance Armstrong and just made the last stretch before winning my...whatever number Tour de France....I mean the man's unstoppable, kayaking in the Amazon with Woody Harrelson, and other uber famous celebs who epitomize the whole "clean" living thing....


I know, I know...Its 21 days, and one friggin diet which cannot hold a candle to marathon training and let us not forget, battling testicular cancer....but for me its a tremendous feat nevertheless.

With a clearer head, a hum and skip in my step because I have actually completed something for the first time in a long time without using sleep deprivation, children or work as an excuse to back out, and as a result I feel motivated to complete more today, to make this a prosperous Friday! Me and my Pollyanna self are kicking ass and taking names at work with our anthem for the day, 'Bitch" by Meredith Brooks (what the hell happened to her? such promise....) blaring in our headphones, and as I sit here in my claustrophobic cubicle which today doesn't seem so claustrophobic, I feel hopeful.....Hopeful that I can survive until 5 o'clock and hit that door with my head held high because it isn't what I do, but how much I put into it that is the measure of my self worth, and all these assholes will still be assholes come Monday....Hopeful that I can keep this inner peace journey going, and that along the way I make some enlightening discoveries. And friends. Hopeful that by doing this, choosing to add, create or find more depth, more sustenance to my life and self, I show my children that we are what we do with our life...and I want them to be AMAZING. And how the fuck can I ask my kids to be amazing if I don't set the bar high, and at least try and be amazing myself?? Right???

Rome wasn't built in a day, and the gallons of Blue Bell didn't eat themselves, so I take each day one at a time, and I have made it half way through this one...how bout you?

Now here's the punchline to the whole thing today...Here's to that disgruntled worked sitting in a bar somewhere...hopefully drinking an organic wine or wheat ale for me, and realizing that there is more to life than just surviving....there is living, and I plan to do a hell a lot of that and keep you posted right here...

P.S.-I have a newly brewing story which I will try and post later this afternoon or evening...thoughts and comments would be awesome!

Was in dire need of a motivational pick me up this morning due to the stress discussed earlier along with the implosion of my world and realizing I am still at the bottom of the totem pole, the food chain...whatever you want to compare it to...which is further reinforced with every order request that makes it way across my desk, the long hours I spend here, the lunches I forsake and vacation days not taken...and yet I am still sit here in my little cubicle in my even smaller life (there goes that negativity I talked about) and I go unnoticed here and at home and in the world...

so rather than escape by eating, cursing or crying which I have vowed to do less of unless in joy, I took a moment which would be the equivalent of a smoker's break if I smoked to peruse motivational reinforcement sites and found a blog by Ellen DeGeneres that I actually like...I know I know...some of you are probably not huge fans, although I am reminded of this hilarious stand up act, In the Beginning, when she actually ragged on vegans in her act...now she is one with some really cool and amazing shit I found that reminded me why I am taking this journey to begin with, to let the better inner me shine through DESPITE all the listed hopeless trivial things I see in my life...its to remind myself I can finish something I started, that when you choose to try and live a more peaceful and simple clean life you will find that you are more peaceful. And its that notion that keeps me sane, that keeps me hopeful that all my crazy postings, stories, scraps of papers with half finished poems, and desire to find my place in the world because I crave something I have never had a word for are not in vain, are not a sign I'm mental and that I will find whatever the fuck it is I am meant to do.....how is it a simple change in diet makes me so damn introspective???


Either way-check it out. http://vegan.ellen.warnerbros.com/

Here's where that frazzled part kicks in overdrive....

For those of you who don't know me or do and pretend not to, I had the epiphany at the beginning of last year when we enrolled Shark in public school that this experience was going to be unlike no other we have had. See we went from a well known private Montessori school where parents economic backgrounds weren't as scrutinized as much as long as the check didn't bounce, and diversity was the norm, and my child felt comfortable letting it "all hang out" from her weird OCD clothing tag things to her mother hen nature helping others...and how she hums when she's eating something she likes....

Fast forward into public school and not just any public school, but Hunter's Creek and we had what you call shell shock-http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4l8PSdxy-_s (shameless plug for the mood I am in) and so I became determined to make my child fit in as much as possible without the multimillion dollar home and cars...so I wrote every possible check I could for PTA, t-shirts, fundraisers, and any little thing my kid made in art and they sold....well I still felt like I had no connection to the other parents and since I couldn't very well makeup a fake address, persona and drive an imaginary Porsche Panorama (which is beautiful up close and person I might say, and I know from the many many I see in the car pool lane), I knew I had to find an alternative route and kill them with kindness and with my skills....but I had no idea what skills to draw on. Would my extra 40 lbs from Max be able to make me win them with my hot model looks? Yeah right. Would my ability to shout at decibel level only dogs can hear help?  Shucks, not unless they needed dog walkers for their pampered pooches. Would my tacky dark stories of serial killer old ladies and prostitutes or pedophile priests contribute? Mais non, literary talent would be wasted on women who were able to coordinate and organize their lives as well as those of an entire school with their colored sheets, and pocket folders better than I could ever my shoe collection.

So I did the only thing I could. I signed up for Room Parent because I figured one thing I had over the other mothers was an almost psychotic obssession with finishing paperwork and paying attention to detail so that the minute that sign up sheet came home it was back in the teacher's hands before the ink was dry...this was something I could do I chanted as I waited to find out how they were going to tell me I was too slow...well the email informing me I had a meeting to attend for my orientation for Room Parent just upgraded my status with Charlotte from dorky embarrassing mom to slightly less embarrassing ROOM PARENT!!! And I was really cool with that.

Well, I figured even after orientation that I had this in the bag...I mean all I had to do was forward emails from the room parent coordinator to the parents, right? Wrong! I had parties to help coordinate and teacher appreciation gifts on top of PTA meeting attendance and fundraisers...well I signed up to co-coordinate the grade level Valentine's Day Party and sometime over the holiday hoopla forgot. So I get an email out of the blue about it from the other coordinator and now I am filled with this sense of panic in my chest which in all actuality is my over elevated heart and I haven't even had caffeine in 19 days!!!

I gulp and take a deep breath which simultaneously coincided with Charlotte farting in the car before squealing a maniacal squeal and jumping out of the car....so there I sat this morning have a panic attack in a raunchy smelling car (that's what happens when she sneaks meat after a vegetable diet) and trying to gather my thoughts about the impending duties of Room Parent, Max's birthday plans I have to solidify by Monday, and then Charlotte's birthday not mention jury duty and then a court battle with "Hampster" as my step dad calls him and then summer....speckle in a few work obligations and personal goals and scheduling conflicts and its asking for a meltdown...but today I will suck it up and make it through today. Kinda like AA without the stale donuts, horrible coffee and sad ass drunks...I will take one day at a time.

So I implore any of you if you have tips on how to be a better multitasker please please share them! Or maybe just your thoughts in the end if its healthy and productive and worth it to Charlotte in the end that I try and do these things even when I don't come from the same cellophane package as these other Barbies? I mean lets face it...if they made a aged punk bitch Barbie who has tattoos and settled down but still wears old Van Halen shirts on the weekends then I would be it..but should I try harder to be the blonde Barbie in the Ann Taylor suit with the Tori Burch flats?

Ugh...back to life I go until tomorrow...

ok-so  I know I said I would blog everyday, but I couldn't wait since my last one because I wanted to share 3 things I am currently OVER the top obsessed with at the moment....(so truth be told I stole this line from Andy Cohen minus the snazzy suit, effeminate pitched voice, and drunk bimbette guests and Giggy, but hell, it fits) so here it goes:


1.  

Hands down the most awesome and informational tool for the vegan lifestyle I have embraced or as   Silverstone says, flirted with, this site is not just for animal activists, but has some friggin kick ass recipes for anyone wanting a healthier look at life. Check it out-I dare you at thekindlife.com

2.

Second part to my plan to brainwash everyone I know into becoming vegan or at least healthier....eye opening movie a friend suggested called forksoverknives.com-totally worth staying awake for.


3.

So this is a little long winded, but my Shark is a HUGE Taylor Swift fan and only really became one by association of the Jonas Brothers...anyway, she got this surprise trip to DisneyWorld with one of her grandmas which I had actually known about for months so I snuck around with stealth preparing and packing...I even went so far as to load her IPod with a crap load of LEGALLY (and overly expensive) downloaded Swift tunes....because my laptops a Mac and hers isn't, its easier to just download everything on mine, and use it to transfer her music ....well when I went to download some of my newly downloaded jam, I ended up with the softly cooing voice of a 16 year old musical pop phenomena. And thus we come full circle with this whole diarrhea episode which is that I ended up with a song she sang for the upcoming "Hunger Games" soundtrack...and was left asking my self, what is this about? Well I Wiki'd it and found out its this addictive trilogy of novels set in a post-Apocalyptic America where different districts send youth between the ages of 12-18 to battle in a death-one-left-standing televised event...Think a cross between the Olympics and Madd Maxx at the Thunder Dome or Blade Runner or Logan's Run...Anyway, I digress with the B rated movie comparisons....the point is these books have far more sustenance then the mindless dribble that catapulted Stephanie Meyers to fame and fortune. So I am imploring you all to give up the holey and stained Team Edward shirt and download this to your Kindle, IPhone or God forbid people still do this, set foot in your library and read these...

Getting back into the groove of things....out with the old and in with the new

So as most of you can see I haven't bothered to post anything since November....this can be blamed in some lame excuse on the holidays, work, kids, frantic last minute Christmas shopping (because I am the world's worst procrastinator on most things) or it can be just chalked up to me not taking the time to self-discipline myself into taking care of "biziness".   

Its only fitting since a new year has begun (albeit over 18 days ago ) that I reflect on the year that's closed and the highlights of last year that have left a twinkle in my eye and a stench in my life so that I start out this year better....

I learned a lot about those around me and through trial and errors came to realize that family who care about you don't have to be blood...they are the ones you choose to surround yourself with, who motivate you, who love you, who smack you when you need it...the list is endless, but the people I actually had in my life who did that were fewer....so while I lost a few friends and family, I came to appreciate the ones I never considered and reconnect with those I had lost....this isn't to say I don't care about those people and that there isn't some neurotic part of me that won't miss them, but maybe it wasn't meant to last? who knows....what I do know is I feel 110% confident that my decisions can be wrong but that I own up to them and face the consequences....

Which brings me to the sour part of 2011-self-evaluation. Here is the sour stench permeating my nostrils..  Even the word makes us feel completely uncomfortable because of the emphasis on "self", but alas, it is something everyone should try and do once and a while....the verdict or results on my evaluation? well the doctor is in and here to tell you the prognosis wasn't pretty.

I suffer from the following symptoms:

-self doubt, insecurities = NO SELF ESTEEM (as opposed to low which implies I had some to start)

-tendency to over analyze EVERYTHING = second guessing of everyone, everything and most of all myself

-not think before I speak = hot headed emails, phone conversations and wounding those I care about most with my scathing words I cannot take back

-buy into the hype of others = again NO SELF ESTEEM and constantly judging myself too harshly

-setting unrealistic expectations of personal relationships = forgetting people are human

-using the f word far too much = IOU's in the swear jar and a finger wagging from my 9 year old


The list was endless and while I can sit all day and pontificate about the symptoms, I need to accept the diagnosis and move on into treatment. Which seems to be a good dose of humble pie, self actualization, and just good ole plain self love. I need to realize I must love myself before I can love others in a healthy way, and that I am a good person. I can like myself.  It is possible to do all this and not become some annoyingly self righteous person, and still maintain some of the remnants of my former self which is what makes me unique...


SO, it is with all this information in hand that I embark on a new year and attempt to make it better than the last....I am choosing to surround myself with positive and good people, treat others more kindly and most of all myself...to not be my harshest critic, and to make an effort to let things go...to not stress so much I have high blood pressure or ulcers anymore....to learn to not only love life, but MY life and embrace it with full force. 

To have a higher success rate at these things I am setting the bar low or maybe not setting it at all...instead of making a long ass list of resolutions I will probably never make the time to achieve, I am going to set two and then take the others as they come so I can practice enough self-discipline to accomplish and finish what I started. That said, I set two goals which as of last night due to a wonderful reminder from one of my best friends will now be expanded to 3:

(1) write SOMETHING in my journal everyday...whether I am in school or not I need to keep my creative juices flowing and use this as a way to let out what I want to say without using it as a weapon against others..besides it may prove to one day be my bestseller.....

(2) be more open minded to self awareness, self discovery and inner peace-my first attempt at this was joining a colleague and friend who asked me to participate with her in the PCRM 21 day Kickstart Vegan diet....and so far I have made it to day 18 with little cheating (cheese will be my downfall ) and I feel so great that I have followed through on this...its wasn't about the weight loss or some hippy tree hugger save the animals from the slaughter....it was about letting my body experience something natural, something pure and ridding myself of the toxins and abuse I have submitted myself to for years....not to say the damage can be entirely reversed, but hand to God(dess) I haven't slept that peaceful in 10 years...I haven't breathed this well in 10 years...I haven't glowed this much in years..at least not from a sweaty brow or too much bronzer ..first start to clean living and its a success!

(3) Thanks to this amazing woman, Danielle, who I am honored to call friend, I have added the motivation of blogging to my list. I think this should be something I can do, stick to and follow through on. I came this far with my writing, and I know I have it in me to go a little further...if even just a smidgen ..this includes the commitment of churning out at least 5 new stories before years end and finally paying to have them ALL published in a nice little small run of 200 to pass out to my already adoring fans.  If it happens to hit the hands of someone who can help guide me in the direction of getting published that's even cooler.

Alas, I think I have gabbed enough and am off to indulge in an almond milk smoothie with flax seed...sounds rotten and nasty but is actually yummy goodness...

Stay posted my adoring fans for my continued treatment...hopefully there will be a cure in sight...

Too Damn Long.....

So-I boasted grandeous plans of posting more and pictures, and NaNoWriMo blah blah blah....well that all went to hell in a handbasket....

Got busy with work, kids, shitty job, and then more shitty job....stopped for a moment for a mini vaca in Schulenburg...I won't be fulfilling the 50,000 for NaNoWriMo.....I will be lucky if I hit a 1/2 point and that's with all night crammers tonight and tomorrow...and a few snuck in lunch times....I just cannot find time and when I do its spent sleeping....so precious and so few....


But I did keep up with one thing and that's this challenge my Aunt Carolyn had me do on Facebook....try and post something new each day of November you are thankful for in your life.....

I thought I would share the days until thus far...some are short, some are sweet, some are wtf-shake-your-head reading, but fun nonetheless.

Here it goes....

Day 1: I'm alive today
Day 2: my kids make me a better human being...
Day 3: I woke up and he's still here for another day of my crap :)

Day 4: All the friends old and new who still are my friends. The ones where 10 years go by and we run into each other, its as if no time has passed. The ones where you make memories not moments. The ones who love you for the all the people you've been. Who support your decisions enough to hold your hand....and wack you with it when you jump off that bridge. Who may judge you sometimes but only because they know you can do better. Because they believe in you even when you do not believe in yourself. Who enrich my life and make me better because of their presence in it. Even from across the nation or the world. Because they are them and I am me. And I would not have it any other way.

Day 5: My mother and sister. Without a doubt for the strength and perseverance I have watched in my mother over the years even when burying the bodies would have been easier...and my sister whose craziness and neurosis is just as acute as ours just in a cuter package...and for holding my hand with Max even if it scarred her for life. I love you both even when I don't want to- its impossible not to.

Day 6: for the two men in my life called dad. One because we share DNA and I still don't hold that against him. even with all his flaws as a lousy husband and type A control freak, he loves me in his own way and isn't too bad a dad. The two because he makes up for where the other lacks, bc his love doesn't come with conditions or judgement. And most of all bc he took on the job even when he didn't have to.

Day 7: The job I go to everyday for an endless slew of reasons not the least is which the financial stability I am able to find in this economy. For the sanity of knowing I am contributing to something, and not acting as another oxygen thief this nation has enough of. Because my parents instilled me a work ethic I take pride in, and I may be at the bottom of the totem pole, I may drone away until my hands are crippled from typing, and someday I might be thrown away once I have served my purpose. But today I am going to work my ass off 110% because its what is right, and because my children will respect me more tomorrow for it. And I respect myself more if even only for today.

Day 8: My creativity I inherited from my father. Strangely, it may also be the source of my hightened sensitivity, and inability to focus on one thing at one time, but also the main source of my existence and what kept me going even when I have wanted to throw in the towel. From late nights painting, sewing, hot gluing, writing twisted stories to finding the perfect butterflies for those cupcakes I stayed up until 3 am to bake. The fantasies playing out in my head do not always come to fruition, but by God its my own ability to shock the hell out of myself with them that is the wonderment....the phenomenon. That I know my potential and what I am capable of creating and it frightens the shit out of me sometimes bc who can say they have found that??? Lets hope I don't squander it...

Day 9: for my opportunity to play the best role of my life yet: mommy. for the amazing ability to give life to two creatures who make my heart catch in my throat and my breath choke in my chest when I see their faces....the giggles, the smiles, the tears, the sticky fingers poking me in the face, the wailing of that single word that can break me when shouted in fear or pain....their faith and b...elief that I am some super caped avenger whose PB&J and cache of bandaids will heal all problems...the fact that watching Cars for the 3rd time in a day or reading the same book every night of the week is a rush that no drug can give because those things are the entire world to the little person snuggled in my lap....that they do not realize the magnitude of how their love has completed me as a person. that having them in my life isn't just better for them, but for me because it made me human in a way I cannot explain..that the life that came spilling out of me has given me purpose in my life I never had before and that I know I will never be the best they deserve....but they love me anyway.

Day 10: Only fitting since its the birthday of the Marine Corps...my Grandpa retired Col. Edward L. Bale, Jr.

a cantankerous son of a bitch who may not always know whats right even if he thinks he knows..who is never ever ever wrong....and sometimes can forget its 2011 and not 1950 and not in a senile dementia or Alzheimer's kinda way....who can be unfair and unequal in who he spoils or takes up... for and you never know who it will be except that it is never you...who constantly nags because in some twisted way he thinks this will make us all see the potential he sees in us, and perform better than the half ass job we are doing now...who despite this taught me how to play poker using salami and Danish sugar cookies.....who would take us to Baskin Robbins for "lunch" and not tell Grandma.....who was able to give my sister and I the opportunity to see some of the most amazing places the good ole U.S.A. has to offer when others don't ever leave their hometown....who has this amazing weakness for my two kiddos and the melted chocolate in their pockets is proof....who is hip enough to keep up with the technological advances of our time when I'm still working on my 30gb classic ipod.....who is stoic when taking care of my grandma even if she doesn't always remember who he is or where she is..who has lived long enough to be able to tell my daughter about Prohibition, the Depression....all these things he experienced first hand, an experience my daughter will never get from any text book...because without him I wouldn't have the awesome mom I have now with warts and all....who served his country not because he had to, but because he wanted to in WWII, Korea and Vietnam.....and because he doesn't look a day over 75 and can still kick our asses if we need a kicking!

Day 11: to be an American. to live in a country where the freedoms afforded me exponentially enrich my life, and allow me to express who I am as well as live my life as I see fit without persecution. to live in a democracy when even when we make the mistake of voting a moron for president there is the hope and comfort that in the next election we can do better. to live in a country where my religion, my beliefs, my thoughts, my lifestyle is not dictated by a tyrant. where I am fortunate to have a job, a roof over my head, pink flamingos and a cross in my own damn yard. where we all have the ability to achieve what we want and social classes are not restricted by birth or lineage. where a beggar on the street could have been a Vanderbilt, and the family behind that gate once lived in a shelter...nothing is without its flaws, but in comparison to the alternative, I am pretty damn excited and proud to check that box of U.S.A. as my country....now if only more Americans would take the time to appreciate what they have earned in their life instead of what they haven't been handed out...

Day 12: respect I now demand for myself. the worth I now realize I possess bc I reclaimed it and will never let someone steal again. no amount of vicious words, fists or broken faces and bruised hearts will make me powerless again. my voice is louder and I'm not running but standing my ground, blood and all, yelling out that I AM HERE GODDAMN IT in the place I made and not the one you forced me into. What now, bitch?

Day 13: Chester, Lady, Clarence, Sugar, the original Zeebo, Timothy, Taz, Goldie, Penny, Alpo, Mouse, Boots, FGB aka Foggy Bottom, TW aka Tiger Woods, and Tinker....and scores of other smaller rodents, fish, frogs, and animals my sister and I dragged home to feed, love and otherwise unknowingly terrorize when dressing in doll clothes, pushing in a pram. who were faithful companions offering their... unconditional love and friendship when other children might not. the soft touch of a paw, a wet nuzzle of nose, the way they could sense when we had a bad day, and settle themselves in just the right spot that we lost our sorrow in them and inevitably did not want to move from our spot...most time because they were draped across our lap...who didn't mind letting two little girls ride on their backs, carry them around the yard in a bonnet, tease with a cord of elastic with a bell attached...each one had a distinct personality that set them apart, and that only made us love them that much more....because I have known better furry companions than people, and they offered me love and solace at times when no one else could...because sadly this "family" forged is not protected, they have no voice and no rights in a world where they are abused, tortured, neglected, and tossed away like trash...most times quite literally.... because today it makes me appreciate and love even more the annoying strands of hair left on my pants and shirt, the chewed slippers, and little rodents left on my porch reminders of some thing more important than myself...

Day 14: for my soul and conscience. because even in all the years I chose to make horribly ignorant or destructive decisions, I knew the difference between right and wrong...because I may curse, scream, and be judgmental, and as a general rule do not make friends easily...because I not only hurt myself, but others and to this day not a day goes by where I do not recount my sins, and recgonize wha...t I have done wrong...because all and I still know I am a good person...maybe with misguided intentions at times, and maybe wrapped in a pretty bitter, angry ball of resentment, but I would give my last $20 to the man on the corner if I hadn't already given it to my Shark and Hammer...because I am a fierce friend even when those friends are not.... because I give 110% no matter what even when I know the outcome is failure....because I never knew I had one until I lost it

Day 15: the dollar I have in my pocket. because its a dollar I didn't have yesterday and might not have tomorrow. and for today I know my children will be fed, clothes on their back, and roof over their heads. because it reminds me that you can have it all, and then nothing.....because it keeps me humble and lets me realize the important things in life cannot be bought....and I have to learn to be resilient, and depend on myself because you cannot expect a handout...because I worked my ass off for that dollar and will be damned if someone else will take it. (channeling Buckwheat) because I've got a dollar, I've got a dollar, I've got a dollar, hey, hey, hey.

Day 16: I can sleep tonight because I still don't know your name....because I cannot put a face to a name or a name to face I do not know and it makes it easier for me to live with myself...because when you stepped in front of my car you irrevocably reversed the course of my life and yours. because no matter how much I blamed myself, it was your ignorance that put my Charlotte at risk, that shake...d my foundation and my faith in humanity....because of you I lost sleepless nights, friends, dignity, and was debilitated from fear for quite some time.....because now I am more aware of my surroundings than I ever have been before, and my daughter will remember that day for the rest of her life....so she always holds my hand when we are going through a crosswalk and never until we are supposed to....because I am here and you are not....because I am not sorry I do not know your name because it makes it easier for me to get up in the morning....

Day 17: the little patience I try channel.giving me the serenity to accept the changes I cannot change even though it doesn't dampen my ability to want to slap some people silly and then for making my hand hurt. for being able to withstand those meltdown on the toy aisle or at the mall or at least until car.to be able to nod and smile at them when they just got down gossiping.the sigh I heave bc he isn't worth it.

Day 18: that my children look nothing like me because they are BEAUTIFUL...the way they each have a distinctive grin and the mischieviousness in their eyes....the cute little freckles they share on the bottom of their left foot.....the endless blue of eyes that look at me with welling tears when they feel defeated drowns me....the soft strands of blonde that shine like gold in the summertime....I am blessed to have given birth to such breathtaking creatures...because I am forever in awe...plus I don't have to tie a porkchop around their necks to get the dog to play with them...

Day 19: my heart is still beating....means I'm here for another day....far better cry than 11 years ago when I couldn't decide or care enough if I was coming or going...because I have something to wake up for today if even only for today and is wonderful. I am more lucky than I deserve and I'm going to enjoy this moment now.

Day 20: the written word...and I'm not talking about the Bible...the written English language I devour in books, newspapers, blogs, plastered fliers to my car....I am a ravenous reader, and cannot imagine my life without books...blessed with parents who were able to give me the greatest gift a parent can, an exemplary educational foundation to build and grow on...to expand by self-education and school...to ignite a fire in me, in my head that can only be extinguished by the words flowing from my pen or computer...with those first few words, they opened my eyes, my mind and my heart with a book..

Day 21: that I still remember who I am, and who the person laying next to me, my kids, the porter in the parking lot.... that I don't know half the strength it would take to cope with losing my mind...the information I have stored, the memories, the books I haven't yet gotten the chance to write, lost...that I cannot imagine pieces of my past, present and future slipping through my finger tips an...d as I chase after them they are lost in a dense fog that consumes me and weights me down....to be lost and not found. and the only thing comforting is I won't be terrified of what is going on because I won't remember? I penned a poem...an ode to those out there who care for these lost people I may one day become, but for today am not...

Sybil

Blackened night brings her hands
Reaching out, across the smoothened comforter,
Clutching, grasping, no words, just her hands
And I take her frail hand in mine
Take her heart and hold it, praying the flutter will not stop
Not today, that today brings dinner in the dining hall
And 3 cans of Boost, Liliana and the 5’0 clock news
One pill, two pill, and here one more,
She looks at me, empty eyes and I stare back,
Praying, holding out hope there will be someone staring back
No one, no one to talk to you about children or grandchildren,
No one to sip coffee and muddle over the news,
No one to care if I am here or not, 58 years gone, never existed
Just those goddamn hands…
And the flutter of her heart

Day 22: for the holidays...for the spirit of the season that is so infectious you'd have to live under a rock to not experience it....the smells, the sounds, the lights....the warm cups of cocoa as we ride around looking at Christmas lights....the search for the perfect tree...the endless hours your mother spends agonizing over how this years turkey could have been better....the faces of family w...ho are family by choice, not blood, who make this year more hopeful because they are still there....the hours spent laughing and reliving the most asinine stories that for some reason are funnier when you're all together...the impatience of little hands as each day they open that Advent calendar, no matter how many times they have done this it never gets old....the kisses that leave Mary Kay pink outlines on your cheeks and cheek pinching until you think your face will fall off...and your daughter and son find hilarious because you are almost 30..the old man who falls asleep in the most comfortable chair under the guise of "watching the game"...only he cannot tell you who played, who won.....the quest to create or find that perfect gift...that one thing no matter how small or inexpensive that will light up someone's face and day when they unwrap it...which is one of your favorite things about the holidays because of all the ideas you have to make the gifts as beautiful on the outside as they are on the inside....the fact that above all that this time of year brings new hope, new life, new beginnings...that we all have something wonderful no matter if we cannot see it....and above else, we are not alone

Day 23: for the pesky little thump thump clanging against my rib cage...because even with all the ice I have had to chisel away over the years, I know its still warm to the touch...its this bruised and battered reminder I am still human...that I still am a good person even when in doubt..that I still have a soul, that there is still a part of me that cares about others exponentially more than mys...elf, and sometimes this is my downfall....I want to save the world and do not have enough time or money to...so I settle for $5 for the homeless man freezing his ass off at my corner...or its makes me ache for the little girl who struggles with reading, and we slave every night to make it better while she teaches me how to love someone other than myself....a pulsing, calming force when the little boy whose scribbles in crayon on the kitchen wall, and need to stuff the cat in the closet and shut the door or flush all the toilet paper down the commode, and I can laugh, smile and then grab the paper towels and plunger. the force that reminds me that although there is the husband whose ass I sometimes want to shove off the couch, I still make sure he eats a balanced meal, and cut the crusts off his bread, and snuggle our feet at night...my heart that lets me know its the right thing to lend a ear and listen when sometimes my sister just needs to have a psychotic meltdown or cry or laugh hysterically from sleep deprivation and too much cafffeine...because she has done the same for me....its this vital, living part of my body that with every resounding clang reminds me I am here, I have a purpose even when I don't know what

Day 24: I'm fat...its a sign I eat well, that I'm prosperous enough to never go hungry...and that the food I eat is rich with flavor and love...(And I have a self-control issue I'm working on )..that I love to cook bc its one way to express my love for others. And I learned from the best:Mom

Day 25: its my birthday-a day all about me, a day where my mom spoils me with my favorite meal, my husband takes over domestic duties and my kids make me cool coupon books and drawings on the living room wall. One day where the lil world I live in revolves around me-who doesn't like that?

Day 26: my stepson Hayden...who is a amazingly generous and kind hearted person...despite his genetics and who welcomed me, charlotte and the maxx with open arms.whose brief time with us makes our year. A piece of our puzzle that we aren't complete without...

Day 27: that no matter the error or mistake I make there is the power to fix it...the reality and comfort its never too late and the damage done is reversable.....most of the time...it may get messy and it may leave a sour taste in my mouth, but I can try...I can hope.

Day 28: today...just because its Monday, and I get to drag my tired ass to work which I am thankful I have a job and have somewhere to go instead of laying like a bum at home…and that I have a reliable automobile to get me there...that my Shark gets to start a whole new week at school with exciting information and homework followed by a delightful afternoon at dance...Madd Maxx gets to run around and burn off that stored energy as well as work off the turkey he gobbled up all weekend…..that Marcus is that much closer to finishing the semester and a well earned night off cooking for me….(hopefully followed by a post belated birthday foot rub and some wine)….that the cats are toasty in the house lounging around doing the bumming….that it’s the start of a week that is 1 week closer to Christmas….that I am thankful I have the will to throw my self out of bed and hit the ground running because its Monday and I have to…..and that’s worth living for.

aDay 29:  for the life I have lived, the life I am living, and the life I will leave behind when I am gone....every wart and freckle, every scar and bruise, every kiss and hug, every smile and frown, every person I have known, know or knew...every place I traveled, am traveling or plan to travel...every book I have read, the million I am reading, and the ones I have yet to read...the person I was, am and will be....the children I have, the grandchildren I haven't met, and their children who will hear about me...the birth of Charlotte and Max, their first day of school, their last day of college, their wedding days...and the day they spread my ashes....for memories of old ladies' cats in the dryer, baking fudge with my mother while watching Jerry Springer and eating cheese dip, being stabbed in the head by my sister (the real story for those who have heard her "elizabeth was scratching her head"), cross country trips snacking on Danish sugar cookies, fresh tortillas Rosa made at 6 am, Tia's grapefruits, Granny Sybils infamous rhubarb pie, cardboard horses in the backyard, my father collapsing the porch swing we bought...with my mother and him in it, the look Chester had before he fell asleep one last time and the strength it took Mom to bury him, Natalie Burns and I setting firecrackers lit and tossing on her roof, spending endless hours laughing over snotty girls at school, friends like Danielle Watson, Cindy Treviño, Megan Shea, Marta Garcia, Anita Garcia Morrish who made my highschool years survivable so I lived one more day....to my hiccups on the road to adulthood complete with trash bag luggage and a middle finger farewell that led to this amazing chapter of my life I am scared and excited about because I don't know where I will be in 29 more years, but I know wherever, whatever, I will surely enjoy the journey.....and know my stepfather will still be cooler and have more FB friends. ha!

Jacked up on Espresso

Haven't posted in a while...and since I have had 3 shots of espresso this morning, I'd thought now was a good a time as any to muse overs some exciting projects/ideas/pipe dreams I have.....

Soon I will be playing around with a new toy...a little older Canon Rebel XTI-I am not conceited or stroking my own ego (ok, maybe a little) when I say I take fabulous photos...with my simple point and shoot and my crappy Blackberry....with this new acquisition I hope to explore and find a new talent within myself and make something of it...if even for just shits and giggles. That being said  I will occasionally post photos and want feedback on the quality to better know my area of expertise...people vs animals etc.



I also have a few new stories I am going to post tomorrow...also want feedback...trying to gear up for NaNoWriMo....its a daunting task, but I welcome it !  Keep checking in with me....

My husband and I had this brainstorm (stemming from marathons of Restaurant Impossible and Bar Rescue) for a creative name for a bar...now if only we had enough savings to actually open one....

I have this never ending mommy list I am working on:
school for Max
costumes for Halloween
trip to Schulenburg
But at the top is what made my day today-I bought our tickets for King Tut exhibit at MFAH....now I just have to let the folks know they get Max for the afternoon...


Back to the ole grind I go....Hi-ho Hi-ho off to hell I go......

Toodles-

Rambling Ovaries