So as most of you can see I haven't bothered to post anything since November....this can be blamed in some lame excuse on the holidays, work, kids, frantic last minute Christmas shopping (because I am the world's worst procrastinator on most things) or it can be just chalked up to me not taking the time to self-discipline myself into taking care of "biziness".
Its only fitting since a new year has begun (albeit over 18 days ago ) that I reflect on the year that's closed and the highlights of last year that have left a twinkle in my eye and a stench in my life so that I start out this year better....
I learned a lot about those around me and through trial and errors came to realize that family who care about you don't have to be blood...they are the ones you choose to surround yourself with, who motivate you, who love you, who smack you when you need it...the list is endless, but the people I actually had in my life who did that were fewer....so while I lost a few friends and family, I came to appreciate the ones I never considered and reconnect with those I had lost....this isn't to say I don't care about those people and that there isn't some neurotic part of me that won't miss them, but maybe it wasn't meant to last? who knows....what I do know is I feel 110% confident that my decisions can be wrong but that I own up to them and face the consequences....
Which brings me to the sour part of 2011-self-evaluation. Here is the sour stench permeating my nostrils.. Even the word makes us feel completely uncomfortable because of the emphasis on "self", but alas, it is something everyone should try and do once and a while....the verdict or results on my evaluation? well the doctor is in and here to tell you the prognosis wasn't pretty.
I suffer from the following symptoms:
-self doubt, insecurities = NO SELF ESTEEM (as opposed to low which implies I had some to start)
-tendency to over analyze EVERYTHING = second guessing of everyone, everything and most of all myself
-not think before I speak = hot headed emails, phone conversations and wounding those I care about most with my scathing words I cannot take back
-buy into the hype of others = again NO SELF ESTEEM and constantly judging myself too harshly
-setting unrealistic expectations of personal relationships = forgetting people are human
-using the f word far too much = IOU's in the swear jar and a finger wagging from my 9 year old
The list was endless and while I can sit all day and pontificate about the symptoms, I need to accept the diagnosis and move on into treatment. Which seems to be a good dose of humble pie, self actualization, and just good ole plain self love. I need to realize I must love myself before I can love others in a healthy way, and that I am a good person. I can like myself. It is possible to do all this and not become some annoyingly self righteous person, and still maintain some of the remnants of my former self which is what makes me unique...
SO, it is with all this information in hand that I embark on a new year and attempt to make it better than the last....I am choosing to surround myself with positive and good people, treat others more kindly and most of all myself...to not be my harshest critic, and to make an effort to let things go...to not stress so much I have high blood pressure or ulcers anymore....to learn to not only love life, but MY life and embrace it with full force.
To have a higher success rate at these things I am setting the bar low or maybe not setting it at all...instead of making a long ass list of resolutions I will probably never make the time to achieve, I am going to set two and then take the others as they come so I can practice enough self-discipline to accomplish and finish what I started. That said, I set two goals which as of last night due to a wonderful reminder from one of my best friends will now be expanded to 3:
(1) write SOMETHING in my journal everyday...whether I am in school or not I need to keep my creative juices flowing and use this as a way to let out what I want to say without using it as a weapon against others..besides it may prove to one day be my bestseller.....
(2) be more open minded to self awareness, self discovery and inner peace-my first attempt at this was joining a colleague and friend who asked me to participate with her in the PCRM 21 day Kickstart Vegan diet....and so far I have made it to day 18 with little cheating (cheese will be my downfall ) and I feel so great that I have followed through on this...its wasn't about the weight loss or some hippy tree hugger save the animals from the slaughter....it was about letting my body experience something natural, something pure and ridding myself of the toxins and abuse I have submitted myself to for years....not to say the damage can be entirely reversed, but hand to God(dess) I haven't slept that peaceful in 10 years...I haven't breathed this well in 10 years...I haven't glowed this much in years..at least not from a sweaty brow or too much bronzer ..first start to clean living and its a success!
(3) Thanks to this amazing woman, Danielle, who I am honored to call friend, I have added the motivation of blogging to my list. I think this should be something I can do, stick to and follow through on. I came this far with my writing, and I know I have it in me to go a little further...if even just a smidgen ..this includes the commitment of churning out at least 5 new stories before years end and finally paying to have them ALL published in a nice little small run of 200 to pass out to my already adoring fans. If it happens to hit the hands of someone who can help guide me in the direction of getting published that's even cooler.
Alas, I think I have gabbed enough and am off to indulge in an almond milk smoothie with flax seed...sounds rotten and nasty but is actually yummy goodness...
Stay posted my adoring fans for my continued treatment...hopefully there will be a cure in sight...
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