Cupid's arrow pierced my tear duct...and my melting 1/2 off chocolate heart

Oh where oh where oh where do I begin?  Well, lets start with last Friday and just bring you up to speed to where it's 5:34 pm and I am the ONLY FUCKING person still here at work....and what's worse is I was off today and I got sucked back in....but that's me jumping ahead of myself...

Let me go back to the beginning....Friday I managed to haul ass at 1:00pm to get some really fabulous sugar cookies...try Memorial Bakery if you're too goddamn lazy to cook some or don't want to burn down your house/apartment/domicile......so, there I was parking in a handicap spot to dash in to get my cookies, all 180 hearts in alternating pink and red sugar sprinkles....and I comeback out to get in and get the nastiest look from I swear hand to God the oldest recipient of Botox I have ever seen....I mean have you ever seen this really awful B-rated movie with John Candy, Chevy Chase and Demi Moore called Nothing But Trouble? Well if you haven't your lucky, and if you have slip me the name of your opthamologist and how much that cornea transplant ran you.....

Anyway, in the movie John Candy plays a series of grotesque familial members in some backwoods town...think Chainsaw Massacre but with a ha-ha slap stick humor kinda way...if that's possible...so there patriarch of the family is a nasty, liver spotted, skin so thin you can see the pulsing brain matter with a little greasy comb over of white hair....well there I was been chastised by the same guy! I mean even the hair...and what makes this whole long diarrhea of useless information even that more hilarious....is that he took a full 10 minutes to make his cane hobbling way into the $125,000 AMG package Mercedes in the handicap spot next to me....

so after my eyeballing ass chewing, I got back into my car and within minutes was at HCE, cookies in hand, bad ass on time....fast forward some surreal conversations with some actually decent parents who aren't part of the blonde Stepford sorority either, I felt like I had won a gold star or at the least had managed to weasel my way in effectively to pass myself off as a normal parent....little did they know it took all the self discipline I had not to say fuck or damn or shit or crap...and to make sure my clothing covered my tattoos, and my makeup wasn't smeared, and my hair....well it was humid and my hair was screwed from the beginning, but I guess the 80's puff is coming back....

All this brings me to where as the neglectful and forgetful parent I am whose brain got left in some store along with the coupons I painstakingly cut out and never got to use, I had promised Shark 3 weeks ago she could have a friend over....back track a little to Thursday night when said child's grandmother called to solidify plans and I was up shit creek without a paddle...I couldn't very well tell her no, but I also wasn't mentally or physically prepared for night of loud screams, giggling, and planned activity director modeness....

so there I was at 4 pm with two 9 year olds, one who is only apparently used to drinking Mountain Dew....or almond milk because she's lactose intolerant and one who for a brief brief moment thought I was her hero because I was able to be like other moms.....this is not to imply I am one of those "funny" moms who turns out to drown her kids or chop their arms off or who spends all Saturday in bed weeping or walking around barefoot in the snow or talking to herself...I am not bipolar or manic or crazy...a little OCD for someone so disorganized, a little tacky and vulgar, and I am high strung and suffer from high blood pressure...but I am not one of those moms....

I just don't look or act or am able to give her all the things other moms are....I wish I got to wake up everyday and use phrases like 'whoopsie daisies' or 'golly gosh' or something sunshiny and bright and rainbowish...I wish I lived in a huge white house and didn't work and could play tennis and bake cookies and be decked out in Ann Taylor everyday of the week...

But what fun would that be? I sure would miss my old gnarly pj pants held together with safety pins and the t-shirt so holy it looks like I was used for target practice...and the design is so faded its a soft gray blur...

So it was with this one wonderful proud moment that Charlotte, her friend and I made our way home with pizzas and milk (because by God she can drink H2O as an alternative to soda of the hills of Arkansas) and enjoyed a evening of movies, Xbox (btw-I kicked their asses at Dance Central) and then the quiet snores of two very very tired kids..

The quiet didn't last long and so it was Saturday I attempted to battle the cold with 3 kids by myself, and made my way to the Houston Health Museum...which has turned out to be boring on the list of most boring...save for the Star Wars exhibit and maybe the 3d movie thing...it sucked ass...even Maxx wanted to bang his head on the wall and he had kicked that habit a week ago.....But it was free with our membership and saved me the $40 and change it would be for the Children's Museum...and quieter and less chance of me leaving behind a  kid that wasn't mine...because with my luck I can never lose the ones I have...

Then after depositing her at home, I spent the rest of the afternoon curled up on the couch vegging to the land of Narnia and a coughing phlegmy boy which segued into Sunday with a sick 2 year old at Memorial Hermann West because the wait at Texas Children's would have been 4 hours.....

Don't ask me what the bill was...I haven't gotten it yet....but steroids, a breathing treatment, and chest films later and I find out my little googly bear is on the verge of pneumonia and we are sent on our way with a script for amoxicillin....

So there I was on Monday starting another fun filled week of office antics when I got the call at 3:38 pm that he was running a fever of 103 at school and I needed to get him....for those of you familiar with school guidelines or have kids yourself....you know this means there is a dreaded 24 hr wait until they can return...and dreaded because it means using that PTO day or sick day that while you still have, everyone and their dog feels the need to bitch about behind your back because it inevitably means one of them must do your work....

well maybe is some far off land of raises, and bonuses, and fucking salaries that hardworking, ass busting people deserve, but not here in this place we call America...no here in the corporate world, regardless of laws or OSHA or pesky things like the EEOC or Labor Board, Big Brother still is watching, and still counting his stack of hundreds before he slips it in his pocket and leaves at 4pm...and so it was I was going to be working from home...

so here I was today, Valentine's Day no less, waking up and throwing on a Jack Daniel's t-shirt, a pair of 2 day wear jeans, and some tennis and making a beeline out the door...without makeup but I remembered a clean bra and deodorant....and my kids...

First up was pitching Charlotte out of the car...and next stop was dry cleaners before I made my way into work....amazing how it is that all this and having a sick kid to stay home with and I STILL made it in before others...gotta love how that works...so there I was with Maxx running around and stealing freshly baked cookies from our lobby, gathering all printed orders and emails I would need to work from home, and this is the moment that everyone decides their gonna be nice to me....

from the co-worker whose basically set out to make my life a living hell until she can get me fired to the woman who barely will say ten words to me because she's too lazy or fat to walk to my cubicle...

and here I have then offering to do my work for me or deign to grace me with their physical presence...of course in reality I know this is so they can see if Maxx looks as sick as I claim him to be, and thank goodness for me he chose that moment to hock a loogey of phlegm on my desk next to his cookie....

Of course this is all following is loud and completely articulate declaration upon seeing my desktop image..."shit, that's Elmo."....of course I tried to play it off as shoot, but as luck would have it the office queen so sassy point out "Girllll, we ALL heard what that was and it wasn't shoot."....

Snap!

So, back home I ventured to where I pounded away and plowed through orders only to look over and see him pull out every toy he could possibly reach and even some he couldn't, and I threw my hands up and cried....

I cried because its one week until his birthday and party and quite honestly, I don't know what the fuck I need and haven't gotten. I cried because I know every day the pile of crap for me to do at work gets higher and higher and I never say no. For fear of losing my job, and while I don't get paid enough to ever save, and sometimes have to steal toilet paper from my parents, I still stay. I cried because March 7th is growing near and I know he thinks the farce of mediation will only make me weaker...and it kills me he is right. I cried because my apartment is messy and covered with toys, and I have stacks of laundry undone, and a bathroom I could have been cleaning today...and then I cry harder because I live in a 1200 sq foot apartment and pray someday I have a house. I cried because I don't want my daughter and son to grow up to the only patch of grass they play on is also where our dog shits when we walk her....I cried because I cannot lose the last 25 lbs I need to and it hit me I don't care. I cried because its Valentine's Day and we don't ever have a romantic day....not even on ordinary days. I cried because my sister won't talk to me because of some manipulation on my sperm donor dad's part, and she's too stupid, too self righteous or too proud or all three to even contact me...so chicken shit my brother-in-law who thinks I'm some white trash ignoramus baby making machine calls to RSVP for my kids party...shows what the fuck he knows, I check the 'other' box so its half breed trash to you, dickhead.

I cried because its payday and its all gone. I cried because I am beginning to lose footing on the hamster wheel of life, and the sawdust chips in my cage look awfully soft and comfy. I cried because I want my kids to make better choices, and I cried harder than ever because they don't realize what I go through everyday for what little I can give them.

And most of all I cried because I don't really have jack shit to cry about that we all don't have to cry about.   I mean its Valentine's Day, I am not single to partake in the Mile of Meat or speed dating, I have someone warm and alive in my bed, I have little hand print Valentines on my fridge, and melted M&M's in my hands...I have my health for now, and I my favorite pair of jeans finally fit AGAIN! I have a job which I guess is better than none because something tells me my parents would notice that much t.p. missing...and I don't have to feign a trip to Costco to make sure my kids get a nutritious meal off samples....

I wiped the snot off my nose, and laid down with my exhausted Madd Maxx and watched me some Sesame Street which Snoop Dog guest starred as a dinosaurs voice, and fell asleep to the sound of Elmo's getting email from Ernie....

And it was during this quasi 1/2 hr nap I realized it could be worse....I woke up. That's a start. I may not be dining on a 5 course 4 star meal tonight with a bottle of wine and some peace a quiet from kids..but at least I have someone to share a "what-if" meal like that with and I have those pesky kids....granted that it is a point to be argued since they are an acquired want...but if you ever think you would be a lousy parent...think again. Unless you're a felon or drug addict or hear voices or dismember animals in your backyard...then your definitely not parent material according to CPS and probably at least 20 other federal law enforcement agencies...but seriously, I never thought in a million years I would be where I am now, have the people in my life who care about me...

I mean I thought I'd be dead by 30 or at the very least in my 10th stint in rehab...I never thought ahead in life because I didn't think I had a life worth living and it didn't bother me until I managed to fill that life with people who are worth living for....

So that's where I am going to spend my Valentine's Day....be the last one to leave at work, but only because I have an amazing husband who is that understanding that my work ethic is important even if I get paid peanuts...or maybe that sick of my shit that he needs a break from my constant nagging and he and the kids are hooping and hollering at a little fiesta because mom's not home? Either way its the same thing...he's put up with my crap this long, Charlotte hasn't stabbed me in my sleep and Maxx...well he stopped bagging his head and talks in complete sentences...complete with obscenities and all...so today is a good day. 

Hey, we all have to start somewhere, right?  Besides, it's Valentines Day, and you know what that means....loads and loads of marked down chocolate at CVS come tomorrow so I have something to look forward to....besides, this means I can leave cryptic weird quotations on Post-Its all throughout the office for my co-workers tomorrow...