And so it was I started today out with a heavy heart....heavy enough I might need two hands to carry it which is ridiculous given the state it's in which is that of a blackened, dry and misshapen mass...
But alas, I feel more than a case of the doldrums...and its way more complicated than the dribble I selectively share on here...that's not to discount or lessen anything I shared...quite the contrary...If I shared every thought, every memory, any and everything I felt relevant to comment on, the true shit of what's running through my head...well....your head would explode too....
let's face it...I put it out there, I divulge it all for the world to see on here from family dramadies complete with domestic violence to anecdotes from the ineptitude of my parenting...but rarely do I ever really truly get down to the nitty gritty of what I feel. And that's my major predicament today...that I feel...that I have this little nagging ache in my chest which is making it extremely difficult for me to breath...and all I can do is stifle a little choke...
See...it's this nagging feeling only a parent, more so a mother can understand, when someone tells you there is something wrong with your child...something is less than extraordinary...less than normal...less. An abnormality. Something that makes your stomach do flip flops, makes your heart skip a beat, makes you question every time you skipped your prenatal, the time you ate a sushi roll when 3 months along...hell, leaving you wondering if its the sex you had while pregnant to the lotion you rubbed on your growing stretch marks to the option for that epidural to the exposure to t.v. to early when singing along with Plaza Sesamo is something you should have avoided..it becomes so important to pinpoint that one contributing factor that could be the root of all this because it means you are less likely to blame yourself.....
at least that's the plan Stan until you realize it IS you and all you can do is over analyze and dissect everything you've done to alter your genetic material, the quality of genes you passed on and in essence the quality of what and who you are.
It's depressing...it's heart wrenching, stomach retching...it's migraine inducing and I haven't even started criticizing the contributing genes of my husband...fuck, I've only made it to my Senior year of high school and already i can see how I screwed my children over....that being said, I also must take a step back and realize there are things far more serious that many parents cope with on a daily basis....I am sure some of you would have used the term "far worse" than "far serious", but I personally would find that insulting, degrading and completely fucking harsh when speaking of one's child....
I mean there are things like having a child with Down's Syndrome, an inoperable tumor, kidney failure, half a brain....things that are far more grave and serious than a speech delay, but not something I call worse...worse implies a negative connotation to the entire existence of that child and while I am not a Bible thumping/toting/preaching its God's Will type...I know that regardless, that is someone's child...that regardless of the odds, regardless of the deck stacked against them with survival rates, and quality of life speeches...it's this thing you would only grasp if a parent, a aunt or uncle, a grandparent...
It's holding this human being, this living, breathing life in your arms, and realizing your heart is overwhelmed with the love you have for them....that it doesn't matter at that moment if they won't walk, talk, grow up to be "normal" , that they don't fit into the charts of growth and development....it's that fact they are part of you...that at this moment you are holding a life you are responsible for and its the feeling of compassion and humanity that swells your heart and for that one moment they are just your child. Not the special needs child, not the riding the short yellow bus child...not the ARD's and wheelchairs or speech therapists and behavior therapists....its the fact they are just a child...that their love is one that can never be matched, never be comparable by a spouse, a lover, a friend, a brother....its so much more than that....its if that if there ever is a God, a higher power, some level of spirituality that you haven't experienced....well this is it....
I could probably do a more articulate job of describing it if I could just make you a play list of feeling, touching music to listen to while reading this...but if you get the gist that's all that matters. Essentially its this: no amount of abnormalities will change exactly how much I love my children. And while I feel like a brick has used to pummel my head right now, I know its not the end of the world. It's life. And I have to deal with this the same way I did when it was Charlotte...all the therapy, and testing and special ed...and now we cannot even get her to shut up....
It's just a defeating feeling and helplessness that I know there is a voice in there bursting to get out, to free itself and yell to the world, Hey I'm Max....it's just I want him to find that voice now before it gets drowned out in the screams and door slamming of a teenage sister...
So I turn my attention as a distraction to the task at hand....finding 20 things I like aka tolerate about myself...and here it goes:
1. I personally love my snarkiness...I used to have faster, wittier comebacks, but burning a number of brain cells can slow you down some...
2. I love my breasts....I would be lying if I said I hated them...I complain about back aches and stretch marks, not being able to find clothes that fit...yada yada, blah blah blah...it's all bullshit. I love them without a fucking doubt. They are the best accessory to any outfit, they are the reason my husband asked for my number and how cool is it to be a walking milk machine for your kids? Especially when you're broke and formula is an arm and a leg....plus its the only way I feel real feminine...
3. My smile. When I used to be thinner I had a kick ass smile because it wasn't lost in the double chin/waddle thing going on...but it's still pretty cool and highlights my cheek bones...
4. My didactic memory...it used to be scary eery creepy like dead on...as the aforementioned burned brain cells, you can imagine how its slowed down...but hand to Allah...I can read almost anything and recall it....mainly historical references or little useless facts...its not something useful like that dorkie kid on Criminal Minds or anything...although I went through a fascination period with serial killers and can literally recite verbatim the top 10 list and all their MO and facts...
5. I love being a mom...it's the best role yet, the most important, the most fulfilling and comes with the most bad ass shit I can get away with...when else can you walk into Kroger or Target in sweats with o bra and flip flops with milk stains, and tomato sauce splatter and just sigh and say...the kids..and it is all forgiven. Or better yet when you get to play with Legos and Barbies and dress up and have tea with teddy bears, and it's cool because you're a parent.......Plus, its means lots and lots of cool craft projects, Science Fair stuff, PTA, and party planning...all things which tap into my creative side...which segues into #6
6. My creative mind...it runs the gamut of painting, sketching, photography, crafty glue gun type stuff and last but not least my writing....not that I am saying its outstanding Picasso, Martha Stewart or Hemingway shit...but I should have my own show...on the SyFy channel or something..
7. My feet..I take pride in my pedicures, pride in how they look, and pride in my obscene collection of shoes...I have foot model quality feet...and yes, I realize its one of the top 5 fetishes...and it still doesn't deter me...my feet are FUCKING BEAUTIFULLY AWESOME!!!
ok..I am working on the other 13 and may need a little input....I just cannot seem to list anything POSITIVE and that is the whole point behind this exercise...to realize there are good things about me, reasons to love myself, for others to love me and most of all, so I don't spend the rest of my life underestimating the worth I have on this miserable little planet...
That's it for now...I have an episode of Eastbound and Down to catch up on, and kiddos to bathe, and a nice fuzzy spot on the couch right smack dab next to one of the few people who gets me...or at least pretends to pretty well....
and this is evident by the surprise I got at work...just because....just because my week started out for shit...
1 & 2. You have a tremendous willingness and a genuine talent for enlisting the empathy of others. It's one of the great strengths of your writing, but it's also true of how you conduct yourself outside the written word.
ReplyDelete3. You have a dauntlessness, an intrepidity in facing the maddeening frustrations of everyday life, above and beyond your ability to revert to the higher view of things where you can dismiss the unimportant and cherish the important.
4. You draw to yourself people of what a stodgy, old fashioned philosopher would call, people of good character. You are a magnet for the people the rest of us wish were our friends.
I could go on, but I leave the rest of the exercise to the student...