It started with the realization I hate, despise, completely LOATHE my job....its not just the fact that what I do leaves me with absolutely no emotional or spiritual fulfillment....its more that I stomach all that because who doesn't hate their job? and get paid fucking jack squat....just enough to keep myself afloat, food on the table, and the creditors at bay...but never enough to get them off my back, never enough to save in the event I get the wild crazy hair to tell my boss to shove it....or finally get my CTS fixed in my hands....or for the four walls and little patch of grass that doesn't come with numbers on the door, and keys to mailboxes, but sidewalks and swings, and an actual separate dining room from the living room....
I want I want I want I want....and it all takes money, and it all takes time, and those are two things I don't have much of...I mean...I'm burned out, and it hit me today more than anything that I need more than this....if I only knew what THIS was I could go forward....instead I am stuck...
And that only pissed me off more....then came more annoying emails, more phone calls....followed by the phone call...the one that left me sitting and weeping because I realize somehow I fucked up both my kids....that somehow both have suffered from speech and articulation delays...and not on the count of not being smart....two children with some of the most amazingly advanced motor skills who struggle with so much difficulty to get out a sentence...Charlotte 6 years ago, and now my Maxx...and it makes me wonder what kind of fucked up genetic material I am working with....maybe I'm just looking for a scapegoat, but it still doesn't help me...or them...and so it is I wiped the snot off the end of my nose and called the Center for Hearing and Speech to book the first available appointment....
After a few deep breaths and some inner monologue...I swiveled around my chair and went back to the daily droning of the click click of my keyboard....and I couldn't shake this feeling of deeper and deeper down in the dumps gloom..so it was with the aid of a banana and a cup of Joe that I started to feel a little better....
So much better in fact that I have decided to take a challenge from my best friend, Danielle...one of my biggest supporters, and fiercest friends, she's been a much needed constant during the last year and is always nagging me (in a good way of course) about how much I underestimate myself....so it was today, when I was beginning to slink into abysmal Twinkies and ho-ho induced coma, she gave me the long distance foot up my ass and challenged me to come up with 20 things I like about myself...
I jumped at this for two reasons A) she didn't specify whether or not I could repeat the answers...and B) there was no clarification that it had to be personality...
this isn't going to be very long because quite frankly...I have run out of shit to say, run out of shit to think about, and run out of steam....and what little I have left I am going to have to save for the 20 things I am going to try and force out of my brain...stay tuned tomorrow morning to see how I do...
so this is going to be short and sweet...and probably because I couldn't help myself and snuck into to the kitchen to snag a piece of cake after all...I managed to not eat it all, but the red icing is motherfucker to get off my fingers.....because I have to go rest my pretty big head (aha! there's one) so that I can see how many I can actually get...
so I bid you adieu, buenos noches..
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