Let me start out by saying....this day...this day is a day to top all others, and while I have vowed to not let it get the best of me, it has...its gone to Hell in a hand basket....and the really nice basket woven out of willow bark that I have been trying to keep my sanity in...Oh what will I do?
First, is started out by running away from me this morning...and not like out the door with wet hair, a damp dress and no mascara until mid rush hour traffic...just the depressing laying in bed until the very last minute and moving through the motions...only to realize I'm actually on time...and it still doesn't perk me up....
I was not lucky (or unfortunate enough at the $6/day ) for jury duty selection based on race/ethnic background and this sent me hauling butt out of the glass structure that is 1201 Congress Ave yesterday....and why they thought spending HUGE OBSCENE amounts of tax dollars on a modern, winding glass structure that is essentially a holding pen for the largest group of people doing NOTHING for hours....you can see I no longer am as enthused about jury duty as I was before, even less so if possible, and I also want to say screw you to all of you who didn't bother to tell me to pack a book, a Kindle, a laptop...something! And then I deigned to drink the only coffee available (non-decaf) and was quietly bouncing off the walls for a better part of the day......
Anyway-after much inner monologue and lots of bathroom breaks and what equated to 32.5 oz's of yummy amped up goodness, I was at last released from my shackles of servitude....just in time to get my kid from the bus stop....and log into work to see 162 emails flashing across my screen....so I gently closed my laptop and went back about my evening allowing myself the missed opportunity for headache, indigestion and everything that goes with stressing over a 9-5....and what happens when no one is there to fill your shoes...and yet your still being paid so little your drying your underwear with a hairdryer to save the dollar on the dryer for gas.
My lackadaisical evening came in the form of this awesome book I'm reading...I cannot divulge the plot or even the title because its an unpublished manuscript, and its too fabulous to spill the beans before publication....but I had agreed to assist the author in coming up with a cover letter consisting of 300 words to best catch publishers attention etc etc.....I thought it would be a piece of cake, and we all can tell from these pesky 20lbs I cannot seem to shake, how much I love cake...Well, think again. Its super super fucking difficult to write, let alone type 300 words enticing enough about a full novel...I mean even allowing for excerpts and all....its hard not to one to just type over and over "read this bad ass book. it is the shit. read this bad ass book. it is the shit. read this bad ass book. it is the shit." Something tells me Penguin or Clearing House or someone wouldn't take it so serious if I did that.....
and then it got me thinking....what if we were required to write a 300 word cover letter to entice people to consider us? for jobs, for relationships, for parenthood, for life????? In 300 words or less what I can say to entice the world to let them know I am worth knowing?
I thought about this all morning and was going to write an even wittier commentary than this..but my train of thought got all fucked up by some impromptu office meeting...when the employees who should have been there for what was a really nice ass chewing, weren't...I have never worked for someone so nice when bitching at you....it didn't even leave a sour taste in my mouth or me running for one of those inflatable ringed pillows....
But then that got me thinking about where I work, the shit people get away with, and what their 300 word cover letters would look like....
It could look something like this:
"Warning! I am bipolar, prone to anxiety, prone to hot flashes, prone to outbursts of a verbally violent nature, prone to anything and everything that will give me an excuse to take a pill of some sort that I have to weasel out of my aging physician and which they should put vast amounts of doses in the H2O so we all feel this happy all the time...If none of these things bother you or you too find you possess some of these attributes, feel free to hang out with me for long lunches, gossiping and shit talking about others and in general degrading others to make up for the fact that I will never know what it is to be happy and therefore must make others miserable...."
I could go on until the 300 word cut off, but why bother when you can see this person's a lemon and walk away.....
Or they could have a cover letter like this:
"I am perky, I am peachy, I am overly friendly, and yet dumb as a fence post....or at least that's what I pretend to be so I can abdicate more difficult tasks to others such as answering the phone when relieving the receptionist...I say the most asinine things and keep people laughing to make up for or gloss over the previous person's behavior. I don't do a lot of work but sure as hell manage to get paid like I do, so I must be doing something right. I also like long walks on the beach, am not afraid to spend time in the outdoors and cook a mean chili".
I mean really? I could break it down for everyone around me in these cramped , tight quarters and no one would come off looking like a rose....most of all me...
I can see it now:
"Frazzled, graying, sagging, tattooed woman with two kids prone to crying jags, potty mouthed rants, and lots and lots of bad driving. Prone to worrying to the point of obsession about things beyond my control and acting like a screeching harpy to a husband that has learned to be smart enough to say 'yes dear' to everything that spews from my mouth. I also take on too much and do not learn to delegate because I cannot stand being lazy, but never manage my time enough to do what I sign up to do...I make mean ass sugar free cupcakes, baked ziti and am the most awesome bargain Goodwill shopper you will find. I use the f word as much as some use the word 'the' and I would KILL, and I mean KILL anyone who harmed my children."
If this doesn't sound like someone you'd hire, befriend, love, take to dinner or hang out with...at the very least read this rag I write online and share with friends....because I would write you a check for a million dollars (albeit one that would bounce before I could remember to cancel) if I could quit my day job and just do this all day....
I'd even make the time to stick to my 6:30 am deadline I had started....if it wasn't for pissing kids, jury duty, the political games of corporate America, and my incessant need to throw in fuck, shit or damn at least every other sentence to make up for my frantic failures in life....
not the least is which I gotta get back to work, so I am not having to come up with a cover letter for my resume....
What kind of cover letter would you be? And would you be a big enough asshole to put it on pink, scented paper?
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