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Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Freudian Dreams of the X-rated kind

Its 5:45 am again...and feels exactly like yesterday. Perhaps I need to go back to bed and then re-awake to see if its me or maybe just the day? I don't know, but either way if this is how the day is going to start out I need to make sure I put my big girl panties on to face this Titillating Tuesday...(like my attempt at alliteration there? I couldn't think of a curse word that started with 'T')

aw schucks...I shouldn't be so negative right out of the gate when I have been so positive, but I am tired from a rather odd night where I had rather disturbing dreams....and now am sitting in the dark analyzing what it means...as if this is going to change the fact somehow I had the dream in the first place..

Let me start out by saying I am happily happily happily married....as happily as someone can be who chose to put up with a person who leaves the toilet seat up so at 3 am you fall in (which coincides with using the last of the roll and not replacing it), who has some anal retentive way he likes his shirts folded so won't let me touch his laundry....wait, scratch that, that's a good thing, one less thing left on my to-do list.  A person who hasn't ever been in a relationship long enough until now to understand "fine, dear, everything's fine" is code for "why don't you fucking figure out what you did wrong before my foot meets your ass or you take a temporary vacation to the island of the couch?" 

No...I am happily married because it's all these things I can laugh about as I annoy him with rubbing my feet against his at night for warmth (which drives him insane in the membrane! love it) and he's understanding enough to see my crazy rants and diatribes for what they are...creativity untamed....

So you can understand why having a dream where I appeared as Kim Kardashian having sex with a stranger is over the top in curse words alarming! I mean WTF?????   Somehow I went from dreaming about being pregnant with a 3rd child, which scared me like no get out because Max wasn't even out of diapers, but then it montages into me and a stranger having sex, and I get a glimpse at myself in the mirror above us (why is that the case in dream sequences like this? like its standard to have a rotating bed, mirrors and a bow-chicka-bow-bow playing in the background) and I am KIM FUCKING WHORE KARDASHIAN!!!!! I mean come on people! At this moment I wake up covered in a chilling sweat and realize I have no idea what the hell I realize, what this means or should I even mention it to my husband without him asking me why I'm thinking about a 3rd kid when we've barely made it to the 2 year marker on this one?

It wasn't due to consumption of spicy food because I had a plant meal for dinner-think I am going to stick with this whole herbivore thing-and so does this mean I watched something shortly before bed that was retained in my consciousness that then made a starring appearance in my dreams? But I don't watch anything with her in it nor do I even watch the E! network since they stopped running True Hollywood stories of people like Robert Downey, Jr. and replaced them with Katy Perry and Justin Beiber (come on, how much of a 'True Hollywood' story can you have even if you still claim to be a virgin and we all know Selena Gomez is shagging what looks like a 14 year old girl)...

So I guess that leaves me....with nothing unless it's some fucked up way of telling me I have some subconscious desire...and not specifically a sexual desire, but a desire to just not be me for a day.   Why my brain chose to relay this message is such a graphically disturbing  way complete with shameful character casting I will never know...but that's the message...I think. At least its the safest one to deduce that won't later equate another divorce...so given that, how do I SAFELY and NON SLUT like choose to , well, not be me for a day??? How do any of us try not to be us for a day?

I mean let's face it...I am not some prize winning thoroughbred, but I could win a pie eating contest and that ain't so bad...it's still a ribbon or trophy...or a gift certificate to Luby's .   So I'm different and have a bitch streak that few have honed as a craft such as I, but is it that bad being me?  What would I change?

If I had to think about it the obvious shouldn't come as a shocker with the desire to  not having to report to my cramped cubicle, not having to do laundry...wait, scratch that. I pay the laundry mat $.80/lb to wash and fold it...so I'd be cheating is I said I did it myself (and I am not a lazy bitch...it makes me a frugal multi-tasker to save to mark that off my to-do list by delegating)...I would however give anything not to have to clean up the strewn Tonka trucks every night only to find them back spread out over the expanse of the living room within hours of him waking...or to take something longer than a 5 minute shower for fear the kids will kill each other or the dog or both in that time span...or to go to the bathroom with the door closed...and no little person visiting me, whining about what we made for dinner or another one bringing me actions figures of Elmo on the pot....

If you had the opportunity to not be you for a day, what would you do? I hope not star in your own porno film as a Kardashian...she already has one selling like hot cakes down at the Megaplex anyway...let's not fuel their empire of trash....no, seriously, what would you do if given the chance?  Handed to you on a silver platter, not to be you? Or do something completely unlike you? How many of us are content and satisfied enough in ourselves to pass that up? 

Or is that we just never get that chance and it was safer to come out in my dream if even albeit in a crude, vulgar and horrible shameful way?

Who knows. Hopefully, I won't have any NC17-rated daydreams at work, and if I do...well, I think I will program a marriage counselor on speed dial just in case....or my divorce lawyer...

Here's to more dreams of changing diapers because I would take those over the nightmares of the alternative any day.....just don't tell my husband I have baby fever....




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