This post is about...say 2 hours later than I intended, but it's Saturday, and occasionally I'm allowed to be a little lax in my schedule.....and what a schedule it is! Something tells me today is going to be no less crammed with to-do's than yesterday, and will threaten to get the best of me. But I put on my fighting gloves and tell it to bring it....because I've got brass knuckles on underneath and am not above cheating to win this showdown....
As for yesterdays showdown, I managed to LIVE (because as stated before I am choosing to do more than survive) through Friday even if it ended with a snotty screaming 8 3/4 year old, a crying meltdown from me at my 91 year old grandfather's living room, and eating olives straight from the container at 9pm until they are empty...and having to put back in the fridge like white trash because I inevitably forgot when I stopped for milk to grab trash bags......not to mention the stack of files still on my desk that at some point today I will have to go in and battle...
So what pray tell do I have scheduled today you ask? Well between the evil villain of filing taxes at H&R Block, more laundry (for some reason this pesky culprit keeps popping back up and the pile is higher than it should be, I am certain), cleaning house and then finishing plans on a 2 year olds birthday and prepping for his very first day of big boy school....I don't see sleep swooping in to save me at any point and I think that's something left to the back burner until I can knock all this out...whenever that will be...
I think, I know today will be better than the last simply because of the aforementioned crying meltdown...sometimes I bottle so much up I can barely breathe and I feel this crushing weight on my chest like a cinder block, and I am gasping for breath like I'm in a big pool of water and some Mafioso is holding me down....wouldn't it be cool if I made that reference because I actually know a Mafioso and not just because I watched too many episodes of the Sopranos or Goodfellas one too many times....
anyway-I think it was a combination of stress, fleeting inner peace and my inability to find it once I've lost it and the lack of constipation from eating meat to keep me gritty and tough....hell, if you can withstand gas, bloating and constipation from overeating, you can withstand anything....well, the floodgates opened and away I was swept.....I cried, I bawled, I emoted, I sat there in a trembling ball pouring my heart out to a retired Marine Colonel who seems to even after all these years to have brass balls....and it was sad enough (or funny) for him to witness that he shed a tear too...and then told me to suck it up, that life was difficult and complicated and downright awful sometimes due to circumstances we have no control over....but we have to deal with it, to overcome it because circumstances aren't what make us...these problems, these things are obstacles and obstacles are overcome on a daily basis....and the pat line all people over 65 say at some point at least once, "this too shall pass"....
Exactly what I needed to hear...but at an obnoxious 29 years old and still feeling like I'm trapped in the body and mind of a nerdy outcast of 17, this little insecure and angry passive aggressive person doesn't know how to do that....it seems like an impossible fight to win against myself and the messy life I seem to sometimes wish was far more simpler....but that's half the fun, right?
That's that living part I talk about.That's me realizing all that simplicity I hope and wish for is code for just boring and lonely...and who's to say it wouldn't lead to the embarrassment of raccoon eyes from the saline squirting out my tear ducts, landing in black streaks on my chest and lap.....
So today I woke up and laid in bed, dry, cozy and exhausted and realized I cannot cram a lifetime into this 29th year...that fighting, dragging all these obstacles into a short time frame to overcome is asking for a heart attack or aneurysm or worse....it's as if I feel that turning 30 is bringing death...and I have to get everything done NOW NOW NOW.......for all I know I get run over by a bus tomorrow or my 2 year old wacks me with a Leggo for the upteenth time and it's the final blow...so what's the alternative? waiting for death to come for his big knockout...to live everyday like I was dying? waiting and waiting? then I wouldn't be living....I'd be some whiny bitch emoting over everything she hasn't done....
so should I live everyday like I'm LIVING my last? that I'm not waiting on death, but thankful s/he hasn't come yet? and then express excitement and pride in all the things I HAVE done before I die?
It's so much harder than it sounds....but I took a deep breath and got my ass out of bed...partially because I had to pee and partially because I knew I had to get this one coherent train of thought down before it got lost in the jumble of mush that remains as my brain....complete with misfiring electrodes, neurons and shit....
I sincerely hope and wish we all live today to the fullest, annoying battles with to-do lists, peeing kiddos and evil bosses, hangovers and spouses alike....and if even we don't win this round, we walk out wiping the blood from our nose...and a smile on our face....(yes, today of all days I chose to use fucking references from Rocky, but I felt like it was motivational....besides just using the f word as many times as I can)
I'm off to hit the showers and get on my game face....in the form of pancakes I have to make for my midgets ..here's hoping the day isn't a doozy....
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