First let me start off by saying I apologize for being late with this post...and for once it wasn't about oversleeping or having writer's block or a wet bed....although, that did happen yet again....and rubber sheets it will be from now on....
No-I just wasn't motivated enough to pour out what I am beginning to realize is useless shit no one really wants to keep hearing...hell, I write it and I don't even want to keep reading about hippy diets, and searches for inner peace or epiphany's or moments of clarity.....
No. Today I just want to rant and have what some may call a pity party....Today I am sitting in my cubicle at an extremely underpaid and under appreciated position wondering what the fuck I am doing allowing myself to waste away and not taking action to do anything about it....I am tired of using the pat laurel of "I am being responsible" when really its me being too goddamn lazy to do something instead of bitching about it....but then how can I stop bitching when I don't even have a backup plan of what the better alternative is to this? so I sit here....sniffling and hugging my box of Kleenex...
What may have put me in a foul mood this morning? Let's go down the list starting with the grey sky and moody blues my daughter seems to have, pontificating and asking me questions someone so young shouldn't even begin to want to ask...and no its not the dreaded birds and the bees...although, that will probably be the easiest topic of my life if we were discussing sex....because all I would do is lock her in the house until she's 18....
No these are of the social relationship philosophical kind...the kind where you look at your child's beautiful heart shaped face which is spattered with a slew of freckles now wet with tears, and explain that kids, girls specifically, are mean as fuck and can be downright cruel....I know because I am 29 almost 30 and just now realizing that I would rather have no friends then put up with the bullshit games that come with trying to have any....and tell her over and over in a mommy chant that things will get better.....that she is special, she is unique and she is better than them....but even I cannot promise the moon....or sun or stars or whatever that saying is....so all I can do is vow to be there to pick up the pieces and it breaks what I have left as a heart, and as I watch her walk across the asphalt there is a pooling feeling in my chest...
Follow this up with depositing my son at the babysitter and the unexpected death lock he has around my neck...and the chubby sausage fingers he places on my cheeks as he holds my head still to give me a big wet one..before giggling as he slams the front door behind me...and the pooling felt earlier overflows, and I am sobbing before I turn out onto Ella and it isn't even 8 o'clock.....
What the hell happened? Where is that spit fire little ball of sunshine who has for one week managed to ponder and muse the wonders of self fulfillment and further explore in her inner consciousness? Well, I'll tell you where she is....taking a much needed goddamn vacation to some far off remote locale complete with sunny beaches and shirtless cabana boys.....making way for her evil twin to swoop in and wreak havoc on my life....if even for one day....
Take this a step further with truly regretting the things I have done in the past few months which have led me to having no friends....or the kind who plan shit and don't invite me because its easier than dealing with the fact that they don't have the balls to tell me they don't want to be friends....which if truth be told is in fact fair given that I made the move to cut them out to begin with because it would be easier on me considering a falling out with a mutual friend would cause an awkwardness I hate and want to inevitably avoid.....and that followed me nonetheless....
What's that saying? Don't put the cart before the horse? Well I tend to do that thing when I get emotional and the next thing you know a series of emails get sent and 30 minutes later when I am calm and collected, I read them and realize I make things worse.....but then again, what kind of judge of character am I that I make friends with people who are so quick to judge or abandon me because of the shit that spews from my mouth?
I know I am a very poor judge of character...given the first failed marriage, the numerous assholes who came before him, the people I have trusted as friends only to turn their backs or talk shit about me....the list is endless....Crap! I would trust the homeless vagrant whose sign says "Need Food, Family's Homeless" even if I watched him cross the street with my $20 to the crack house....and at the very end of that list is ME! Surprise! Who knew? And what you ask could I possibly have misjudged about myself?
My mouth, my hot headedness...my ability to alienate myself from others which must be some subconscious method to sabotage myself....its like I can't stand my own happiness...I cannot let people in...and yet its their very opinion which makes or breaks me...Look at me wasting a whole post on this, and the whole time being so insecure my stomach is grumbling because I suddenly care what they think, if they'll approve....(although, I realize know that's also part egocentric and makes me a megalomaniac because they have way better things to do than read this shit....they know I'm crazy and don't need further proof)
It's this fatal flaw that I feel will be the death of me...this need to incessantly wish, want, crave and need the approval of people to feel validated....one of the earlier symptoms discussed in my "physical" the beginning of the year, and I had vowed to change...vowed to be a better person....to not let this happen, to fall into this trap....to feel better about myself on my own....
But I am finding it is way easier said then done especially when you don't give a shit about yourself to begin with.....because you buy into that whole song and dance that there isn't anything worth giving a shit about...
Real pathetic, don't you think?
And how on Earth does this equip me to even be qualified to answer my daughter's heartbreaking questions, to soothe and console her over the spilled milk of failed father figures, bullies at school and the awkwardness of prepubescence when I myself haven't quite made it out of the painful acne hormonal stage....the only thing missing is braces and being shoved into lockers or having my clothes stolen during gym...
How am I supposed to teach my son to be a better person, to continue that selfless, all out loving part of him, chubby fingers and all, if I can't? If all I want to do is be a spiteful bitch and defriend a bunch of people on Facebook and tell them to screw themselves....knowing I'll spend half my time wondering what they are all doing without me? Daydreaming or reminiscing about all the good times we all had?
Ok-that doesn't sound pathetic...its sounds psychotic and pathetic....and just downright sad....that I waste so much energy on something so petty...when I know and need to remind myself everyday, that I don't need others...I don't need them to feel good about myself...that I can be the better person if even it comes with a puffy face, red eyes and slice of humble pie (not to be confused with Ms. Minnie's shit pie).....even if it kills me...because I know deep down I am a person of worth. And I don't have to put up with that bullshit, but I also don't have to stoop to that bullshit either....which is why Max's invitations went in the mail today...I will nice, I will be cordial...but I won't hold my breath either that I get a lack of RSVP's and after pouring this much out this morning, I realize I am ok with that...
I am ok with knowing I am disliked, I am mocked or worse...I am forgotten or not even of consequence at all and that is the worst thing of all...knowing people don't, didn't give a shit enough about you to even think of you now....but I know I can suck it up and make it through...because I know I didn't just burn bridges...I fucking stood with a blow torch and hairspray and lit a city on fire...and all I can do now is stand back and watch it burn....and it's what I rightfully deserve...for being this crazy rambling person who speaks from her ovaries instead of her head....
So where is this not so snappy , not so snarly, not so cool blog leading today? I don't have the slightest fucking clue...I just know I needed to cry..I needed to rant...I needed to let it out before I exploded and fired out rubber bands as I barricade myself in my cubicle, humming the theme to Full Metal Jacket at the top of my lungs, wielding a stapler as a machine gun.....
I know I needed to vent if for no other reason so I don't waste time thinking about it all day, becoming more and more morose, more isolated.....more upset that the only person I can call friend is so far away I can't even ask for a hug,....even though its all I want more than anything.....
and this is my epiphany, my a-ha moment today....I need a hug. A HUGE bear kind where someone will wrap their arms around me and squeeze until my innards feel like combusting....and maybe some Midol and a box of Pearls since I seem to be hormonal and PMS'y....(not really, but that sounded a lot better than admitting its just me being a whiny douchebag on a public post.....)
Only problem is by being the old me, there isn't anyone left who wants to hug me....except for that silly boy with the girly golden curls....and I settle for his big smooches and sticky lips....and that's what keeping my Kleenex consumption down today at work....
Tomorrow I promise, my few devoted if for no other reason than pity followers, I will have something fun, witty, make you pee your pants funny tomorrow to make up for today...but for now...I just wanted my whiny bitch moment....before I return to the shackles of "being responsible".....
now where is that stapler?
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