anyway-back to me. and my predicament about meat and my soul searching trip down Nirvana lane...It's as if it I made it onto the right path, but haven't figured out how to quite work my compass to find where to setup camp....
I made it past these 21 days, and have to say the end was somewhat anti climatic for me...its not as if I am entirely naive or ridiculously moronic when thinking I should have felt something....anything...its just, don't we usually feel some sort of elation when accomplishing things...maybe a rush of endorphins or a heart palpitation...something????? I just..well I guess that's the problem. I didn't feel. I acted. I moved through the motions of this diet and the physical changes I have found and did not put too much emphasis on what i was feeling inside that blackened dry thing I call a heart....
So what did I feel or feel now when forcing myself to evaluate? I feel more peace...more settled...more calm if that's possible for someone who can over analyze an email to the point where "come see me" is now an angry boss with a cardboard box with all my shit off my desk and everyone eavesdropping, snickering in the hallway...when its really about something so mundane as my W-2.....
I feel...I FEEL. That's the point really....I feel something which I haven't in a long time and that's pride in myself....I feel motivated to make myself worth knowing, worth loving, worth being...not just another oxygen thief this country has enough of....I feel I want to be remembered....Remembered for something if even for completing some hippy diet or penning some irreverent (new fav word for the next few days...) and crass blog...
So do I continue this journey and see where it takes me even if its days of hiking, days with no direction....? Or do I stop and go back to meat...and thus my life before when I feel, I know I wasn't worth knowing?
Where am I going with this circular rant you ask? Well, I'll tell you....after 21 days I feel petrified and completely scared shit less to go back to meat....I can make a concession to eating dairy to some extent, but even that feels like cheating the cows and chickens we rob of yummy goodness...so I am stuck at a crossroads and wondering if I continue down this road of another 21 days what will become of me? Will I revert back to oxygen thief mode and pray that no one notices or realizes I am a blank? Or will I suck it up, stopping being a little bitch, and realize I wasn't so bad to begin with? Besides how fucking crazy must I be to think a diet changes me that dramatically...or is that I so desperately want it to?
A friend passed something onto me this morning and I look at it now and can hope, pray (chant for those more spiritual and less into organization) that whatever path I choose to take doesn't make me see the gates of Hell approaching any sooner....and makes me worth talking about even after I am dust..or kitty litter depending on my kids preference at the time.
No comments:
Post a Comment